I Won't Keep the Family Secret

My husband and I adopted two boys out of foster care a little over a year ago. At the time that they joined our family, adding to our other six children, they were 9 and 12. The abuse, neglect, and isolation they went through for the four years that they were in their foster home is their story to tell, not mine.  I understand the private nature of personal trauma and I understand the private nature of childhood trauma. I want them to have the choice to tell their own story to those they love and trust. On the flip side of that, my now 13 year old is not only a violent abuser but is now in the early stages of showing signs that he is a predator as well. His abusive past has become my families abusive present.

My son suffers from mental illness, likely a result from his traumatic abuse history. If he were a diabetic I wouldn't send him to the school cafeteria or the church picnic without letting people know that he may need help picking foods that will keep him healthy. Likewise, my son's mental illness and traumatic past puts him at risk to display behaviors that could hurt someone, in turn also hurting himself. My husband and I have a huge undertaking. It is our responsibility to not only protect our son but we also have to protect our other children and yours, too.

This doesn't mean that we put a sign around his neck for all to see or tell every single person we come in contact with. So, who do we tell? We talk to each other as a family. We are completely open in conversation with each other about his behaviors and how it makes us feel, even if he is within ear shot. All of us are being traumatized and have the right to feel safe and when we don't, we have the right to express it even at the cost of making him feel uncomfortable, awkward or sad. These are normal feeling after you have behaved in a way that has caused someone else pain and I won't protect him from this. It's important to his healing to understand the emotional consequences of his actions.

I talk openly to the school staff. This includes the principal, vice principal, guidance counselor, teachers, nurse, bus driver and even the secretary if I think it will help protect him from himself and protect the kids around him. I meet with his guidance counselor weekly and we are in close communication every other day as well. This is a team effort and I couldn't do this without her. Not only do we communicate often but we also communicate with him together. He needs to know we talk, we are in agreement and everyone is watching him. I also carry the burden of watching your children. I ask who he spends his time with and if the other children in his circle are at risk due to size, confidence, or the inability for them to stand up for themselves for any reason. The school staff is watching closely to keep your children safe.

I am completely open and honest at church. We are new to our area and are trying to get to know people. When someone that we see every week notices something different such as one week I'm fine and the next week my shoulder is dislocated they are often kind enough to ask if I'm ok and what happened. I offer up the truth even if my son is standing beside me. The fact that my son dislocated my shoulder is shocking and I understand that most don't know what to say. When asked why he isn't with us that day, I'm honest with the fact that he has been admitted to the psychiatric ward after punching me in the face and throat. When I'm asked if we are coming to the potluck, I kindly decline with the fact that we don't take him into crowded environments that we may not be able to control his movements or behaviors. He can't attend the birthday party where there will be paint guns and he would have freedom to run unsupervised. He can't go to the teen event without my husband at his side so we openly volunteer that we are chaperoning but our main focus will be on our son. He goes to bible class with his two older brothers who watch him and he is escorted by them back to our seats where my husband and I resume the close supervision. If he needs to go to the bathroom my husband goes with him. When he goes long periods of time being violent and lost our trust he doesn't attend his own bible class but instead stays with my husband and I. If my husband is out of town I miss church all together to prevent an unsafe environment for my family and those around us.  Our son hasn't harmed anyone outside of our own family and my concern is less that he will hurt you or your children but instead we are doing this to prevent any possibility that he could behave in public the way he behaves at home. We are also giving our other six children the chance to be normal. Allowing them to move freely through out their environment without fear. Giving them the opportunity to talk to their friends without our son intimidating them.

This is the reality that we live. I will not keep the secret to make him more comfortable about the choices he makes and I won't give him any excuses. Each time that he has been admitted to the psychiatric ward I have begged for help. I ask them to recognize that, while I understand this is learned behavior from past trauma we need to be open and honest about the choices he makes. Each and every time that a social worker, nurse, doctor, or psychologist begin to confront him, as soon as it gets awkward and uncomfortable they back out and offer him an excuse, which he is always grateful for. Most recently, I asked my son if when I asked him to do his homework and he stood defiantly with his fists ready to hit me, did he make the choice to hit me regardless of what I was going to say or do next. He said he had. He looked up to see the shocked look on the social workers face and he began to squirm in his seat. Seeing this, the social worker said to him, "maybe you didn't understand the question? Maybe you felt out of control." Both my son and The social worker took a deep breath and relaxed as the difficult conversation had taken a turn and was far less uncomfortable.

While he hasn't physically harmed our other children we are watching closely for unhealthy patterns of behavior and his ability keep personal boundaries and to self correct. If he doesn't self correct in an appropriate time frame we know that he needs an adult to help him moderate his behaviors. He is a classic domestic abuser. At this time those that are at the greatest risk of harm are those whom he loves and trusts. In the history of domestic abuse it is always kept secret. Considered to be private family matters. We need to break down the barriers and break the cycle. The pattern of abuse isn't as effective when it's out in the open and those who know about it don't excuse it for any reason.

So what does someone with a child who is an abuser need? We need support given in many forms. Sometimes a hug, or a kind word. We always need an extra set of eyes keeping us and those around us safe. I never need to hear that it's my fault. Maybe I need to just leave him alone and not ask him to brush his teeth or do his homework. Instead, he needs to hear that it's never ok to use violence to get what he wants or to use violence to get out of responsibilities. If he is standing next to me and I say, "my son hits me", he needs to hear from everyone around him that under any circumstances violence is not ok and it makes them sad to hear that he behaves this way. My other children need to feel normal. They need someone to say hi to them and give the a high five, a hand shake or a hug. They need to be invited places away from the abuse so they can relax from time to time. They need to be rewarded for being wonderful. When my son is admitted to the psychiatric ward he is given arms full of toys and treats. Even more recently someone asked me if they could give him a sweatshirt for being safe for the next hour while our family watched a hockey game. I told her I would pass on the offer but she is welcome to give my other children a sweatshirt because they are always safe with their bodies. She declined. As parents we do reward him for being safe to encourage the good choices but it gets a little ridiculous. I worry that the constant "rewards" encourages him to continue the cycle of one bad week, one good week. It is very clear to him that his sibling aren't being offered "rewards". It actually pays off for him to continue the cycle. If you are with our family I would be very ok with you offering my seven other children a treat for behaving so nicely. After all they deserve all the praise in the world for living in such a difficult situation and maintaining safe behavior all the time.

My child is an abuser and I will not keep his secret. I am going to face this head on in hopes that we can help him to change.

Tantrums in Public and the Public Has Spoken

I'm in the coffee isle at the grocery store. We have only been here for about 15 minutes and are about to loose it. Must grab coffee! I snatch the closest four bold boxes that are on sale. "Mom! I left my necklace at the eye doctors and we have to get it now", screeches Faith, my five year old. "We can't go now but we will be there tomorrow and we can get it then," I reply. She squeals a little louder, "I have to have it now!" I pass an older woman who glances in my direction. I grunt back at Faith, "The conversation is over." She yells back, "No it's not!" I was surprised when I rounded the corner and she had let it go. I think, ice cream! I can't go home without ice cream! She's not screaming so I think I can do one more isle if I'm quick. Jonathan who is 13 and Jackson 12 are walking briskly behind me. Jonathan is whistling and singing to himself. It's irritating but he isn't spinning, touching his siblings, taking things off the shelves or having a tantrum so I ignore it. Faith on the other hand is clearly bothered as she squeals, "Jonathan! Stop singing!" I think about telling him to stop but he is being so good I decide to wait to see if she gets worse. She again lets it go so I do too.

Ben and Jerry's has ruined me. They changed the ingredients of their Toffee Cappuccino ice cream and now I no longer have a favorite. Faith is behind me saying, "Mom, you have to come see this!" I respond, "Just a minute, honey." She gets louder, "No, MOM! Now! You have to come NOW!" I muster out a monotone, "Just a minute Faith. I'm almost done." I swipe two containers of ice cream from the freezer in hopes that one of them will be my new favorite. I think of Jason who also needs ice cream but I am clearly out of time. I turn to Faith and ask her to show me what she is looking at. She points to a package of frozen Mac and Cheese. I say, "Oh, that's nice but it's not gluten and dairy free." She screams much louder than before, "How do you know? You don't know! You didn't even look!" I respond, "Sweetheart, I did look. I know because it doesn't say gluten free, dairy free on the box and it's not the right brand or on the right isle." She screams even louder, "You don't know! You never looked!" Again I respond, "This conversation is over." Only this time it doesn't work. As we walk she begins to chant in monotone, "Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom....." As I am unloading the cart she continues to chant with an intermittent, "Mom! Talk to me!" I calmly respond, "I will talk to you when you can be respectful." She screams, "No! MOM,MOM,MOM,MOM..." Then she stops and says, "When will we be home?" I answer, "In just a little bit." She starts in again screaming, "What do you mean?! How Long will it be?!" I respond, "We will be home in ten minutes." She screams again, "How long is ten minutes?!" I respond, "This conversation is over." This time the screaming is deafening, "Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom! Tell me! Talk to me! Tell me! Mom, mom, mom, mom...." The cashier and bagger don't say a word to me. They don't even look up until I start to leave. I walk away with her walking and screaming behind me. Until I got to the parking lot and she realized if she stopped walking I couldn't leave her. So she stopped and was back in control of me. I went back and took her hand. I calmly walked her to the car as she screamed blood curdling screams. An older woman was putting groceries in her car but she stopped and turned to us. She yelled out over Faith's screams, "You know little girl, you are really irritating me!" I give a fake smile and continue walking to the car.

The story goes on for another hour but I will spare you the details. I will also spare the details of the 5-6 times a day that she behaves this way. We have tried everything and she just doesn't get any better. Out of the six kids I have raised from birth not one of the others displays any kind of behaviors even remotely similar to this. Her psychologist thinks she behaves this way because she is attention seeking. This is our life.

One week later Faith has had a really good day so I decide to try the grocery store again. I only need a few things and can be in and out in ten minutes. We pull into the parking lot and my six kids and I unload from the car. Faith is the last one out because she has taken her shoes and socks off in the car on the way there. She quickly puts her shoes back on but leaves her socks behind. She grabs her lunch box and doll and says she is ready. I ask her to leave the doll and lunch box. She screams "fine" and throws them back in the van. We all start our walk through the parking lot. Faith stops several times to adjust her shoes. I recognize she is frustrated over not having socks on. Half way through the parking lot she stomps her feet and screams, "Take me back to the car! I want my socks!" I remind her that she made the choice to take her socks off and maybe next time she will remember to leave them on. By the time we get inside the store she is unbearable. All the patience and reasoning in the world isn't going to help her calm down. Inside this particular store there is a Starbucks. I decide to give Faith a time-out right there in the store. I sit her in a chair and start the timer. Things get worse very quickly. She starts by hitting the table and then ramps it up by screaming and trying to push the table over. She has left me no choice but to restrain her as her psychologist has instructed me. As customers walked by she would scream for their help, pleading to get me off of her. Two things went through my mind. First, I was wondering if I had all the business cards for the several counselors, therapists, and psychologists that we have been seeing, just in case someone calls the police or Child Welfare. Second, I was thinking of the publics reaction to the story of the man who bought all the McDonald's pies to spite the screaming boy and his mother. I rarely leave my house because I suspected that the majority of the public would pass judgement on my ability to parent rather than offer a kind word of encouragement. All too often the majority of people won't recognize that there are other possibilities that may cause a child to behave poorly and a mother to respond in a way that is considered undesirable. I just gave two examples of what it's like to be in public with my five year old. In one I ignored her while fearing judgment that here I am with my kid screaming and I'm doing nothing. I also knew that the store was packed with people, I was done shopping and getting to the car would be better than having time-out in the isle. In the second story, I had not yet started my shopping, and the store wasn't very busy, which made it a good time to correct her behavior. I really can't win the publics approval either way though. The public doesn't really care how I discipline as long as whatever I do is working. So consider the possibilities, not every child is the same and often times parents are doing the best they can under the circumstances. Would it change the publics judgment if they knew that the child before them looks very normal but has autism? How about if they knew that the poor mama before them was barely holding on when she lost her job, the crisis she is now in has made parenting very difficult and she is trying her best to do something nice for her child who is clearly feeling his mama's stress? Would you have given that mama and child a break if you knew that the daddy has been killed in action while serving in Afghanistan? Would you react the same if you knew that the mama had grown up in foster care, was completely alone and doesn't know the first thing about parenting? How about if that mama recently adopted the screaming child out of foster care and he is screaming because of his past traumas and inability to function in a public place?

In my case, of my eight kids I have one child I adopted at birth that is completely out of control, another child I adopted from foster care that barely functions and six more kids that function and behave very normally. The fact that I have been parenting for half my life and have six very "normal" children doesn't stop the judgment or advice that I get from complete strangers. Regardless of why mom or dad are struggling with their kiddo, it will make a much bigger impact on them to show a little kindness and encourage them rather than do things that spite them to teach them a lesson. Trust me, I question my own abilities as a parent with every scream my son and daughter direct at me. The last thing I need is for a complete stranger to side with them while you let me know I'm doing a terrible job.

Shattered to Perfection

Little boy so bright 

His hand in mine with a skip, hold tight

His smile shines from ear to ear

"Mommy, I love you" is his whisper so clear

I see your heart dear boy of mine

So sweet and true having left this world behind

You tried to tell me but I could not hear

Your words are vague and so unclear

So you showed me the hurt you lived through

Chaos, yelling, fists, and fleeing was nothing new

You showed me the pain

With little to gain

I see your heart dear boy of mine

So sweet and true having left this world behind 

The wind has blown a new direction today

It is you, all else gives way

Your heart is mine

No explanation but divine

Wounds to cover, a heart to heal

My love for you to feel

God is here

Nothing to fear

The wind has blown a new direction today

I see your heart dear boy of mine

So sweet and true having left this world behind

Parenting by God's Example Part 1 - Old Testemant Parenting

When I compare my ability to parent with societies standards I appear to be doing great! Then I compare myself to God's standards and I don't fare too well. It's God's standard that means the most to me so I need to be careful not to get caught up in looking around at the world and thinking,"yep, I've got it all together." Instead I need to be in God's word often and in quiet solitude reflecting on what God expects of me. God is the only perfect parent so I can conclude that I should be doing everything in my power to live in His image. The only way to do that is to know God intimately by studying his word and by being in constant communication with Him.

I came to Christianity a little later in life at the whopping age of 16 so there were many things about the bible that I desired to know. One thing I always pondered was if the old law could not save us and so Jesus came and gave us a new covenant then why should we even bother with the old testament. As I have matured I have found many  reasons for the old testament such as the foretelling of Christ and the great examples of God's followers. However, when I became a parent I found an all new purpose for the old testament and I call it "old testament parenting". Most of the old testament tells story after story of God changing people from the outside in. How many people in the bible can you think of right off the bat that God said, "do this" and that person said "nope, not gonna do it" and God gave a swift and memorable consequence. Let's just consider Adam and Eve. They live in the best place ever and comfortably spend every waking moment in the presence of God. He has rules in place and when they break that rule God disciplines them immediately. Notice God didn't sit down and have a heart to heart. Instead, he tells them what they did wrong and gives them immediate consequences in hopes that they will make better choices in the future.

I use old testament parenting from around one year of age until around the preteen years depending on the maturity of the child. During this time I am shaping the way my child behaves outwardly. It's kind of a 'fake it till you make it' thing. These are the years your child is learning right from wrong and what kinds of behavior are appropriate for different places. Your four year old doesn't want to sit in church and that's okay. He can fake it until he is old enough for his heart to be molded to want to be there. My job as a parent is to say, "I expect you to sit and behave appropriately for your age in this situation whether you like it or not. If you do not behave there will be consequences." Keep in mind that God gave Adam and Eve the expectation of what they are to do and then gave an immediate consequence. It doesn't matter where I am or how many times we have done it I tell my kids what my expectations are and if they don't do it there is an immediate consequence. Of course your child would like a few warnings. I bet Adam and Eve would have liked one too. But that isn't who the God of the old testament is. The only time I give a warning is if my child has done something I don't approve of and I had not given prior expectations. Once that expectation is given and they don't do it, immediate consequence. 

If at all possible you should allow a natural consequence to take place or give a consequence that correlates with the behavior you are trying to correct. It should also be uncomfortable enough to bring about change. Behave badly in the garden and you don't get to go there anymore and on top of that you have some grueling work to do. There should be times you get creative with the consequence. Don't forget God has a creative side, just look at the design of the mountains at sunset or check out a stick bug. I love how he handled Jonah when he didn't obey. God's response, "let's see how you like being swallowed by a gigantic fish for 3 days. How's that for a creative time out.

God's presence is very evident in the old testament. It's the only time when He spoke directly to people and allowed his presence to be seen. Be available to your little ones. You hear it all the time but it really is true that they are only little for a short time. Walk with them and talk with them as God does in the old testament. Be near and available for this time won't last long.

Continue to read the old testemant as it is rich in examples of the Father who know best!

Missed Opportunities Won't Hold Me Back

A few weeks ago I enrolled my kids into new schools. We had been homeschooling for the past two years so this was a very new and exciting adventure for all of us. My oldest son Alex will be starting his freshman year at the high school this year. I was given an appointment time to meet with the guidance counselor so we could figure out what classes he would be in. Nine AM I pull up to the school wearing khakis and a flowery blouse and he is in a polo shirt, his hair trimmed short and glasses. The counselor walks us through the halls to her office and we all take a seat. Without even looking at last years transcripts she starts off saying "most parents think their kids are actually better than they are and their child suffers for it". I explain I am not that parent. Alex has struggled in school and I would rather his education come a little easier and build his confidence. She says, "ok, you just need to pick what level class you want: basic, honors or advanced" I don't hesitate and answer basic. I don't want him to struggle. She gives me a half smile and clears her throat. She continues, "the kids in basic classes...how should I put this?  Have troubles...why don't you look at the options again" I turn to Alex and ask, "are you up for honors classes." He says he is ready for them so that settles it. The counselor gives him a smile and a wink. "So now for an elective and an extra curricular...band? And maybe ROTC?" she says with a nod.  "Sure" he replies, "I would like both of those."

My head begins to spin. I am overcome with joy for my son who is moving forward with what appears to be a promising future and saddened by my own missed opportunities. I realize now that our appearance has given my son a predetermined future. I never even met with a high school guidance counselor when I was his age. They gave up on me before I ever had a chance.

The summer before 8th grade I was in my room while my mom and step dad fought. It sounded like any other fight that at some point in the night would involve alcohol, prescription drugs, suicide attempts or the cops. I went on with what I was doing as I had grown accustomed to the screaming and breaking glass. As it turns out tonight would be different. My mom calls for me and tells me to leave out the back door quickly. She had her purse but I had nothing. I left behind every possession that night to include my dog. We walked down the street and sat on the curb. It was getting dark and we didn't live in the greatest of neighborhoods. That night we ended up on the apartment floor of an acquaintance of my moms. The next day my mom made some phone calls and got us put on a list through the city that declared us homeless. I am not real sure why but we didn't go to a shelter. We went to a little Motel 6 that had one bed and a bathroom and nothing else. Not even a microwave or refrigerator. That was home for the next three months. That's also where I lived when I started the 8th grade which happened to be a new school. I met with the guidance counselor and she made sure that I was with other kids that were like me so I would fit in. I was predestined. I entered my first class and sat down. I was surrounded by kids wearing all black, dark eye liner and visible scars. These were my people. The kids from the other side of the tracks. I was oblivious (until recently) to the fact that there were children who were predetermined to have futures. Those kids had band, baseball or cheer leading. You name, they had it. At the end of my school day the kids in my class hopped the fence into the cemetery so they could smoke and drink. It was predetermined that my people had no value or future and that's how they lived. When I started high school the next year I got my schedule from the front desk. I never met with a guidance counselor. I didn't even know the school had one. Not one teacher talked to me about college. My sophomore year my first period class was science. The boys at my table were looking at there cocaine through a microscope as the teacher walked by and said nothing. It had been decided in advance that my people had no future so why bother trying. That week I withdrew from public school and started homeschooling. I graduated high school and a few years later attempted college. Can you guess how I did on my placement test? Eighth grade. My scores were the equivalent of an eighth grader. I wasn't really surprised though because that is the year it was decided in advance that I had no real future.

My sophomore year some things really changed for me. I was invited to church and started reading my bible. I learned that all those teachers were wrong. They couldn't predetermine, predestine or decide in advance what my future held because God had already claimed that role. Ephesians 1:3-6 says

		All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly realms because we are united with Christ.
		Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes.
		God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure.
		So we praise God for the glorious grace he has poured out on us who belong to his dear Son.

No matter how hard they try, someone cannot decide my future or yours because (Ephesians 1:5) in love he predestined us for adoption. (Psalm 147:3) He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.( Psalm 23:3) He guides me along the right paths. (Jeremiah 29:11)  For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Praise God that when my son struggles in school I don't have to worry because God has a plan. Praise God that when my daughter has behavior problems I don't have to worry because God has her future laid out. Praise God that my newly adopted sons won't be controlled by their horrible past because God plans to prosper them, give them hope and a future. Whatever your struggle is, whatever is in your past you can let it go and not let it control who you are today and everyday after. You are a child of God! He loves you and has plans for you!

What Fills Your Cup?

I know that many of you think that you have the greatest husband in the world but I have to admit hands down mine is the best! Along with all the wonderful ways that he takes care of me he also makes me a cup of coffee every morning. That's where this story comes in. Early in our marriage for reasons I cannot imagine, Jason did not find it important to use a clean coffee cup. I would always ask if it was a clean mug. Sometimes he would wash it, sometimes he would rinse it and sometimes he would pour the coffee right into the dirty mug. But always he would answer, "of course I washed it." So way back when we only had four kids, under the age of seven, we were rushing out the door in the early morning to go to church. I was piling the kids into the car when Jason brought me my coffee. I asked the usual question, "did you wash the mug?" And he responded, "of course!" We climb into the car and off we go to church. I drank most of the coffee on the way there but ran out of time to finish it. We parked the car and made our way into bible class. I was just sipping away on my coffee as we delivered each of the boys to their classes. We finally made it to our class and found our seats.

Rewind exactly one week. It was a very normal Sunday. Jason made me coffee that morning and I drank most of it on the way to church. I finished it up while we attended bible class and put my mug in the diaper bag. We gathered the kids from bible class and made our way into the auditorium for worship service. The boys had been passing around a cold all week so I wasn't really surprised when our two year old sneezed and snot blew every where. You know the kind that explodes out both nostrils over the top lip and then manages to cling to the bottom lip and as they look to you for help their lips separate and the snot strings hang perilously in a way that you can't imagine why it hasn't gone into their mouth. As a quick thinking mom I grabbed a baby wipe and cleaned up the snot. There had been so much snot that it took the entire wipe to get him clean. I desperately wanted to contain the mess so I took the lid off my mug, tossed the wipe in and closed it back up.

Fast forward one week. Bible class finishes up and we gather the children to begin worship. We find our seats and I take my last drink of coffee. But something doesn't seem right. My mug still feels heavy. So I tip it back waiting for a little more to drip into my mouth but nothing comes out. I give it a little shake and nothing happens. Still curious I remove the lid and look inside. There in the bottom of my mug is a baby wipe soaked in coffee. My gag reflex kicks in and I quickly pass the mug to Jason. He looks in and gives a giggle, "he looks at me trying not to laugh and says, "okay, so I didn't wash it this morning."

Luke 11:39 Then the Lord said to him, “You Pharisees are so careful to clean the outside of the cup and the dish, but inside you are filthy—full of greed and wickedness! 

Psalm 16:5 Lord, you alone are my inheritance, my cup of blessing. You guard all that is mine.

Most of us are looking pretty good on any given Sunday. So my question to you is, what fills your cup? How much sin do you need to contaminate the entire cup of blessing? How much snot is in your mug?

One Came to Find Me

I was at a youth event tonight which was encouraging, uplifting and amazing. However, while I sat in a room with over seven thousand people it wasn't the feeling of greatness that overwhelmed me, it was the feeling of loneliness. I searched the faces around me as I always do in large crowds, after all I learned the hard way that I don't enjoy the element of surprise. My monster is still out there and the only possible place for me to see him is surrounded by people who have come together to draw near to God. Hours later I sit in a small dark room filled with teens and their chaperons. I wasn't afraid for I know who is here. All the faces are familiar to me. As we begin to sing praises to our Lord my eyes close and for the first time in 19 years I hear something that I long for. The room is filled with happy, confident teenage voices. The kind of voices I should have heard all those years ago. With my eyes closed I hang my head and listen. I am 17 years old all over again. I had expected to meet old friends and new ones as I arrived at the first location of my mission trip but instead it is just him. I expected to spend the first week of my travels immersed in God's word half the time and filling the air with His praises the other half as I had the year before. To my horror the only bible verses I hear are twisted and mangled to confuse me and to destroy my ability to know truth and reality. The rest of the time, there is no singing, just silence, the sheer agony of silence. Tonight I replace my silence with the sound of praise and I arrive a little closer to healing. I never imagined the terror I lived in captivity that week could possibly creep so deep into my soul. That the silence and loneliness could hold me prisoner even 19 years later. You can't imagine the loneliness I feel while with crowds of people. Or do you? More importantly do you feel your heart melt when you are with our Father. Overcome by his love and mercies. Does your loneliness cower away in His presence? I long for the day when I run into His arms and my loneliness is gone forever.

Isaiah 61:1 He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted and to proclaim that the captives will be released and prisoners will be freed.

I wrote this on Friday night but I didn't feel ready to share it. I thought maybe it was too raw and personal but now I think it's because the story wasn't finished. Saturday I spent the day with my group of teens and the other chaperons and had a wonderful time. Most of the time I handled my PTSD very well. While I never could get the trembling to go completely away I never really felt overwhelmed by it either. It was just a few years ago that every time I walked into a church building I broke out into a sweat, trembled and had to hold back the need to vomit. God has blessed me with a great deal of healing over the years and now I rarely feel that way. However, this was the first teen event that I have been to since I was 17. At one point in the afternoon we were all heading to lunch and we decided to walk past the booths in the hallway of the convention center. It was all so exciting for me to watch the girls look over all the booths that were being represented by Christian colleges. Going to a university was never an option for me let alone a private Christian school. I so enjoyed watching the girls glance at the schools with an attitude of "I can go any where and do anything I choose". Their futures are all so bright. I had been watching them fill out forms and get memorabilia in exchange when I glanced up and saw a booth that supports women who had suffered the effects of sex trafficking. I walked over to the booth and began to look at what they were selling. A friend walked up beside me and began to look as well. I said that I would buy a red bracelet and then she spoke up and said she wanted one too. She didn't know my story or what it meant to me but it felt good even if it were for a brief moment to feel like I wasn't alone. I asked if this organization supported anyone in the states and they told me everything was in support of women from other countries. I will never understand why we don't do more for the hundreds of thousands of women that are abused in this country.

That night as we sat in the convention center my friend and I became concerned about someone who we couldn't find. The incident was quickly resolved with a simple text and the night went on. Then again on Sunday morning my friend with the red bracelet became concerned when there had been a miscommunication and she could not locate a teen. Again the teen was located and the morning went on. For everyone else that is. My friend was so upset that she felt she needed a little space to calm down. We spoke for a little while and she said things like, "I'm just not cut out for this. This is just more than I can handle. It's just too hard." Worship began and it was absolutely beautiful. I have to say that it was a little ironic or should I say divine power that Mike Cope was the speaker for the morning and he had been a speaker at several events that I had gone to in my early teen years. I prayed for healing for us both and I prayed that the Lord would transform me to a new person without all the pain and loneliness. When worship was over my friend who was visibly still upset stood up and said, "let's go." I stopped her and asked her to sit back down with me. I needed to share something with her. My mind was clear and at peace in a way that it had not been all weekend. I said, "19 years ago I was taken by a minister and kept for a week. Only one person looked for me and it wasn't my mom or dad. I know why you came this weekend. It's because you see the bright, beautiful future of these teens. I also know why you were brought to tears. It's because you can see the possibilities of what can go wrong. It only takes one person to go looking for someone who is lost and they can save a life. It hurts but it's so important." With that said we started our walk back to the bus, she had been renewed and my healing continued. I learned something about myself in that moment. It has always hurt that my parents weren't there for me when I needed them and I have always been so thankful for the one who found me. But what I have never been able to do is to put into words why I am so passionate to get involved with teens and birth mothers. Now I can. It took one person who I had known for only one week the year before to wonder where I was and come looking for me. She cared for me. When I came home from what was supposed to be a mission trip I returned to church terrified that people would ask about what happened and even more terrified they wouldn't believe me. I lasted a whole 15 minutes in the church building my first day back. I raced out of there like the building was on fire. I went home and swore I was never going back. One woman came after me. She had mentored me for 2 years at my home congregation and on that morning when she saw me leave she came looking for me. She cared about me. Loving someone can lead to all kinds of hurt but it can change some one's life. I believe that one of those women saved my life and the other saved my soul. I have to share the love that has been given to me. The kind of love that they gave because God first gave it to them. God knows better than anyone how much love can hurt.

John 3:16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

Thank you my friend with the red bracelet for being passionate and loving so much that it hurts. Thank you for just being you.