Here my prayer, Lord, listen to my cry for help

I lay in bed not able to move. I struggle to lift myself up to a sitting position. I sit on the side of my bed winded from the move from laying to sitting. I lift myself to a stand, hobbling on one foot I slowly move down the hall to the living room. Half way there I have to stop to catch my breath. It takes several minutes just to move a few feet. I get to the couch and lower myself slowly. As I sit pain shoots from my sciatica running from my lower back down to my foot. I roll over onto my face, straightening my leg as much as possible and scream. The pain lessens enough to pull my legs onto the couch and rest. I watch Faith play at a distance. She is getting irritable and I sense that it is because she hasn't been cuddled for several weeks. I call Ryan into the room and ask if he can make her lunch and spend some time with her. I lay there for a little while and talk to Ryan as he cares for Faith. I anxiously watch the clock. My friend Sara is coming to get me so I can have an MRI. After three and a half weeks my doctor has finally decided to start running tests.

When Sara gets to the house she helps me put my shoes on since I can no longer reach my feet. I limp to the car. Getting in is more painful than before. I lift my leg into the car and Sara helps me close the door. The drive there was so painful I felt as though I could pass out. Sara asked what she could do for me and I said. "hit me over the head with a brick." I wished I could be unconscious, I could hardly stand the pain. We get to the imaging place and get checked in. They called me back and prepared me for the MRI. I lay on my back on the table and they strap me down. The said to lay as still as I could or they would have to start all over again. I was pushed into the machine. I didn't move a muscle as I moved my eyes around to see what was around me. I could see out of the top of the machine and that made me feel a little less trapped. I then looked around at all the screws holding the machine together. I tried to keep my mind busy. I let my body relax as I heard the banging of the machine. Pain was running up and down my leg. I continued to try to ignore it. After about fifteen minutes I could no longer ignore it as I began to sweat from the pain. "Hold on," I thought, "Don't move, just breath. Oh God, help me. I can't stand this." I felt as though I was going to throw up. I pushed the little button for help. Through the speaker I heard a voice say, "What do you need." I responded anxiously, "I need out." They rolled my out and two attendance came to the table by my side. One asked, "Are you okay?" Uncontrollably tears rolled down my face. I sputtered trying to hold back from sobbing, "I hurt" is all I get manage to get out. I lied there not moving with the tears flowing quickly. I took a couple of deep breaths and regained my composer. I asked if I could move. They unstrapped my leg and lifted it up for me. After a brief moment they asked if I could finish the last fifteen minutes. Knowing that this was the only way to get help I said yes. They strapped my leg back down and rolled the table back into the MRI machine. For the next fifteen minutes I just prayed. "My dear God help me through this. I can't do this alone. It's more than I can bare. The spirit is willing but the body is week. Help me Lord. Help me." Over and over I prayed. I tried to use the drones of the machine to let my mind move away from the pain. I don't want to hurt anymore. When the test was over I walked back to the waiting room to see Sara. She asked how things went and I told her I cried like a baby. "It was the worst thing I have ever experienced. It was far worse than labor!" We went to the car and drove home. When we got there Sara gave Faith some cuddles and played with her for a little bit. I layed on the couch exhausted from the pain. I was exhausted from all that I had been through but the pain kept me from sleeping.

The doctor called the next day and said that I have a ruptured disc that was pressing on my sciatic nerve. He was now going to refer me to a neurosurgeon. Several days past before the referral was approved through my insurance. I called the surgeon and asked for an appointment. They told me to bring the MRI images to the office and after looking them over they would call me to set up an appointment. I asked how long it would take for them to look at the images and they told me it could be as long as two weeks. I begged for her to tell the doctor that I needed help now. She said she would leave a message on her desk but to make sure I get the images in as soon as possible. I got off the phone and called Ryan in. I told him I needed him to take my MRI results to the surgeon. I crawled out of bed and went to the computer. It took everything I had to put together a letter for the doctor. I told her that I am a mother of five and my husband who is in the military is away. I have help from my eighteen year old nephew but I couldn't live like this anymore. My family needs me and I can't stand the pain. I printed off the letter and sent it and the images with Ryan to the doctors office. I received a call a few hours later and they wanted to see me the next day.

Psalm 39:12

Hear my prayer, LORD,
listen to my cry for help;
do not be deaf to my weeping.

Philippians 4:13

I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

Through my pain I seek Christ in a way that I never had before. I know that he is the only one who can relieve my pain through the peace that only he can provide. I lay in my bed and rest my mind and think of being in the arms of my Lord.

One Moment, One Breath

Jason finally home from Afghanistan

Faith was 3 months old when Jason came home. It was absolutely wonderful to be a family again after a long deployment. With such a long seperation we always have to figure out the family dynamics and this time we had a baby in the mix but we managed to figure things out quickly. We have finally found the ebb and flow of separation and reuniting. The next year went by without any major events. Our family grew closer together as we coached our kids in soccer, baseball and hockey. We spent great time together traveling  all over Washington State and Canada as our kids played in hockey tournaments. We had a blast being together and savored every minute.

Then we found out that Jason got a school slot in New Jersey and would be leaving for three months beginning September of 2010. We tried to make the most of our summer in Washington State since we would probably move when Jason got back. I had also asked my seventeen year old nephew Ryan to come stay with me while Jason was gone. We had things that needed to be done around the house so that we could rent it and we really wanted to help him get on his feet. Several weeks before Jason left, Ryan and his younger brother Aidan flew out to visit us and Ryan moved in. A week later Aidan flew home and a week after that Jason was to leave. I decided to take the younger kids and visit my grandma in California. We had a wonderful trip. Jason, Ryan and Alex stayed behind and worked on the house and yard. When I returned we took a few days to relax and enjoy our summer by sleeping in and lounging around the house all day. I finally came to the decision that it was time to get the kids back on schedule and reclaim the house as a place of peace and organization. An act that would change everything.

Grandma and Faith walking by the lake

(back row left to right) Jason holding Faith, Aidan, Ryan
(front row left to right) Jackson, Cooper, Nicholas, Alex

I was heading down the stairs to do a load of laundry. With both hands on the railing I took the first step. The kids caught my eye as they were sitting on the couch watching TV. So I looked over the banister and said, "Hey guys, turn the TV off and get cleaned up for the day." Before I looked forward I was already reaching my foot for the next step. My foot touched down and I raised my back foot to step down. When I did my front foot slid off the step. My arms straightened to catch myself, my back arched back and tightened every muscle. I reached my feet up and stood back up on the step. I stood there for a moment and I had tingling going through my back. I thought to myself "I am going to feel that later". I headed down the stairs and finished doing what I had intended. I busily worked throughout the house getting things back in order. After a few hours my back was really hurting. The only way I could get comfortable was to lay in the fetal position and rock back and forth on my back. I did that for about an hour with Faith running around me. When Jason came home from work I crawled into bed and called it a night. I had trouble sleeping that night because the pain was getting more and more unbearable. The next morning I could barely move. I was still hoping that this was just a bad muscle spasm and within a few hours things would start to feel better. Through out the day I continued to deteriorate. I told Jason when he got home from work that I was going to have to go the doctor in the morning if I didn't start to improve. That night I didn't sleep at all. When I got up the next morning I couldn't move my left leg. I called the base and tried to get an appointment but they didn't have any available that day. I told them I couldn't wait so they said to go to urgent care. I had Ryan stay with the kids. I went outside to get in the car. I could barely walk down the stairs and getting in the car was excruciating. I couldn't bend at the waist and I had to lift my leg into the car with my hands. It was so painful I broke into a sweat and I had to sit for a minute to regain my composer and catch my breath. The drive was painful. I would holler out at every bump in the road as it sent pain shooting through my body. When I got to the urgent care getting out of the car was another excruciating event. When I was out and finally standing upright I looked at the front doors of the building and thought I might not make it that far. I struggled through the doors and up to the front desk. I got checked in and waited. When I was called back and evaluated the doctor told me it sounded like I have a bulging disc. She gave me some percocet and said I would be fine in a few days. I struggled to the front door and looked up. The doctor that had just seen me for all of two minutes was already getting in her car and driving off. How nice it must be to move with such speed? I guess she was off to lunch while I can barely make it to my car.

Over the next few days I continued to get worse. I had gone back to my doctor on base and they told me the same thing. "Just wait and I will be fine soon." My leg was now numb from my toes all the way up to my lower back. As time went by I lost more function. I lost the ability to flex the muscle in my leg or rear end. I couldn't straighten my leg or bend at the waist. I could no longer bare any weight on my leg at all. And really how could I if I could only touch my toes to the ground when I was standing. I couldn't sit in a chair. I couldn't lay down for more than fifteen minutes but I could only walk for about five. I couldn't eat or sleep. I continued to go back to my doctor begging for help. But they did nothing but tell me if I got worse than I was that I should go to the ER. I couldn't imagine getting worse. I had lost weight and my leg was nothing but bone. Jason had gone to school in New Jersey and I was left completely unable to take care of myself let alone my kids. Ryan stepped up and did everything. I basically ran the household from bed. I would call him on his cell phone down stairs and have him get the kids up for school. If I could hear Faith crying I would call him to take care of her. I could do nothing! The longer I laid in that bed the more I cried out for help. But the doctors refused to listen.

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Every moment I lay in pain, the pain killers not working, I just live through every breath waiting for that moment to pass. Hoping that His plan is to help me. I can get through this one moment while in Jesus' arms. Just this one moment in time. I can't think past today, past this breath. The thought would be too painful, to think I might be in this kind of pain for more than the moment of this one breath. So I will just breath and get through this one moment.