Taking A 'Faith' Step

I envision myself standing on a ledge. I must move forward but I can't see what's in front of me. I close my eyes, take a deep breath and step forward. Suddenly there is something below me lifting me up. I take the next step and again I am lifted.

That's faith my friends. Not knowing the future but moving forward to the unknown. At times the step can be made easily, while other times it is more than frightening.

Imagine you step forward. As you foot reaches in front of you, your weight shifts onto your 'faith' step. But you don't immediately feel anything there. You gasp. Your heart stops. A tear wells up. You may even stumble. Then just as suddenly you are caught and lifted back up. You may fall to your knees and pray. Feeling God's presence you stand, ready for the next step. But you don't want to go alone. Reaching forward with both hands like a child you begin to feel for Him. Your fingers out stretched, move slowly back and forth. The tip of your finger brushes past something but before you can grab hold it's gone. Your hands begin to search with more passion. Beating at the air as if it might open up and reveal the one you search for. Again your fingers brush against something. This time you feel the soft warm touch. Your hand stretched in front of you the touch ever so softly runs His warmth from your hand. You feel at peace. You know He is there. Take another step and you will find Him. You take that 'faith' step. Just before you loose footing you are caught again. You are shaken and become unsure. Maybe you should go back to the place where you could see more of the picture. You become shaky and think you could fall. Then you remember the one you search for. You take another step as your courage builds. Just then the ground that lifts you up reaches from below to steady you. You realize the one you search for was the one guiding each step. You step again with more confidence. Your step was solid and without hesitation. You begin to spring forward like a child running through a field. Even though you can't see where you are going you know who is with you. Then your hand brushes past something warm. You reach out and the hand of your Father takes yours. You have arrived. Your journey is not at it's end but you are where you need to be right now. The unknown is gone and you can see a new puzzle piece of your life. With your difficult walk behind you, God will give you rest. This is your time to be nourished by Him. To learn more about your journey that you have walked. It's time to teach others about the dark steps and the one who catches you. Rest my friend. Be in his arms and gain strength. There is a greater journey ahead.

I was a new person when I got to Washington. Strong and pure as the child I had been so many years ago. I had to learn how to read the bible as that child. How to make friends and be a new me. It was a new beginning with a new faith. Our family was stronger, so strong in the faith that of coarse God should lead us to new 'faith' steps. These step were easier than before. It all started with meeting a wonderful family who had adopted two beautiful children. In the five days that we got to know them before they moved to Canada they filled our minds with their excitement for adoption. They told us about the wonderful agency they worked with and the wonderful people that brought such a blessing into their lives. Our hearts weren't ready to make such a journey but God continued to work on our hearts. For me it was hearing so much about adoption on the radio while running errands. Jason was listening to the same radio station to and from work. What I know now is that this is right around the time when Steven Curtis and Mary Beth Chapman started their campaign for adoption. There were interviews being done on the radio and local seminars being announced. It seemed that every where we turned adoption was being mentioned. Then one day while Jason and I were in the car together there was an interview being done about adoption. We began to talk about the fact that we both felt like God was pulling us forward to do this. But we didn't have any extra money. When we got home we both began to pray about it. We spent the next few weeks weeding through emotions and what we feel to be signs from God. In that very moment there was a very clear picture of our beautiful life and all that was behind us. Now we are faced with a cliff. Beyond the cliff there isn't a clear picture of what's to come. The big question was, do we take that 'faith' step into the unknown. If it were God's will for us to adopt He will provide the means to do so. A 'faith' step it will be! We contacted the agency we had heard of and asked to be put on their waiting list because they were not taking new applications. I spoke with Jerry who eventually became our adoption counselor and a very dear friend. He told me that against normal policy (we have too many stinkin kids) they would indeed not just put us on their waiting list but they would take our application. So the process began.

We tirelessly filled out papers about our family and our marriage. We finally finished with the application and much of our paper work for the home study. I will never forget the day I took another 'faith' step and mailed it. I got up early that morning and headed out to the post office. The most precious of packages in my hand. I so carefully made sure every check list had been checked and checked again. I handed it carefully to the postman and in return got my receipt. I drove home with such excitement. Minutes after I got home Jason called. The conversation went much like this. Him, "What are you doing?" Me, "I just mailed the papers and am getting ready to celebrate with some friends." Him, "You should sit down." Me, "Why? Just tell me what you have to say." Him, "I am being deployed for a year to Afghanistan but first I have to go to a school for three months. I leave in just a few months." Me, "Okay, we will have to see what God has planned for us. Maybe that is how God is providing the money for us to adopt." Him, "I was thinking the same thing." With that the conversation was left to be discussed relentlessly and with great anguish for the next several months.

My friend, God has a plan. His will is greater than anything you could imagine. If your life is calm at the moment, take that as time to gain wisdom and strength from God so you may tell others of your journey. If you are in front of a cliff looking into the unknown, take a 'faith' step. God will catch you and guide you to your destination. Trust him! He IS there! When your 'faith' step brings you to tears remember this verse from The Message. Psalm 30:5 "The nights of crying your eyes out give way to days of laughter."

Heavenly Father, give me the wisdom to bring others closer to you . I have been praying to you Father, that my words reflect Your will. I continue to pray Father, that my heart will long for You and that my friends who read this will hear my story at a time in their lives that they will find strength and comfort through You. Lord, continue to bless my family and all who read this. In Jesus name I pray ~ Amen

Setting My Monster Free

I carried him for years. A picture in my shattered heart of fear, sadness and anxiety. It was my monster. I could say I forgive you a million times but my monster wouldn't go away. Every time I entered a church building or a large crowd I felt the shadow of my monster behind me.

I was only sixteen the first time we met. He was my mission directer and a father like mentor. After our incredible mission trip was over he battled a brain tumor. Maybe that is when his monster entered him. The next summer I returned for another trip. It could have been the Holy Spirit pleading with my heart not to go but he needed me to be there. He wasn't prepared for the trip and needed someone to be there that could lead the trip. He needed me.

When I got there I was alone. He had lied. My best friend wouldn't be there for another two weeks along with the other staff. It isn't kidnapping when your family sends you. I couldn't tell, who would believe me? Then there were the lies he told me. It was meant to be. I had to come to terms with that. He spent the week telling me he had great plans for me. I was terrified and alone. I depended on him for my survival. I had to follow him. Then the phone rang. I hadn't talked to anyone I could trust for a week. She told me it was like there was a voice inside of her telling her to call me as she woke up that morning. At first, I didn't trust that this could be my way out. But after some time passed I finally told and just like that I had been saved. I couldn't prove I had been trapped there. He had not yet physically harmed me. He had told me that would take place just two days later. There was no police report.  I told his employers but it wasn't for another several months before they believed me and told him he could no longer work with youth. There was one man that told me that for my sake I needed to forgive him so that I could move on. I believe that deep down they all knew what I had told them was true. It took three years before they finally fired him as their minister. He hasn't officially worked since, although he continues to work at church camps.

Years later I heard stories of Elizabeth Smart, Shawn Hornbeck and more recently Jaycee Dugard. Stockholm Syndrom explains why they could be kept in the open for months or even years all the while they don't cry out for help. How could I be there for a week without asking for help or running away? Maybe it was my fault. I read their stories and it's like reading my own story. My own story that was never fulfilled because I got away.

A piece of his evil had crept into my heart. God tells me I can have peace, comfort and joy and yet, I can't find it. He tells me to trust Him but I struggle. I saw my monster one more time after that at a conference. I froze in fear. I was always waiting for that moment to happen again. Waiting for his return to complete what he had started. Evil separates you from God whether it is your evil or someone who gives you theirs. It creeps into your heart. A monster lurking and waiting. When you talk to God the monster intercepts the message. But God's will is stronger! He has a plan for me and unlike my monster God's plan will be fulfilled!

God had given me scripture over the previous months to prepare me for what is to come. Through Him I am finding a strength I haven't had in fifteen years. He has opened my heart so I could free my monster. My moment has come. He has decided I am ready.

We would be moving from Illinois in a week. I have said goodbye to Christy and Tyla. We were at church for the last Sunday before our move. Jason was at work that day so it was just me and the boys. They were all still little, between the ages eight and two. Class had just ended and I was gathering the boys from their class so we could go to the worship service. I had met Alex and Nicholas in the hall and was on my way to get the younger two. I looked up and as the crowd of people parted I could see my monsters face. Then he was gone. My heart stopped. I couldn't breathe. My eyes searched the crowd for his face. Oh Lord, my kids! I have to get my kids! I gather them up and meet the youth minister in the hall. I asked him who was in his class that morning. My monsters name was said out loud. My heart ached at the sound. They explained that he was there working with a church camp in the area so they let him teach class. I took the boys and sat down for worship. I again searched the faces to find him. I finally found him sitting with a dear friend of mine and her family. How could he creep into my life like that. He is at MY church with MY friends! He has won the hearts of the ones I love. How will they believe my now? After church I went to an elder and asked him if he knew the man that taught the teens that morning. He was surprised at how easily this stranger had gained so much trust that he would be allowed to teach a class. He was even more surprised to hear my story. Again nothing would happen to my monster. There would be no one to come and rescue me. I got ready to leave and was walking the boys to the car when I saw my friend's parents driving away with my monster in the front seat of their car. I called my friend over and asked if she knew him. She called him by name and said he is here visiting and they were taking him to lunch. I left in disbelief of what was happening. I called my best friend who had been on the mission with him for two years. I cried out asking what I was supposed to do. She told me my heart will lead me and that she would hang up and pray. A conversation that lasted less than a minute but changed everything. With that I turned the car around and headed for the restaurant where my monster was at lunch. I pulled myself together with a strength that only God could provide. A hostess met me at the door asking if we needed a table for five. I told her I could see my party. I walked bravely to the table where my monster sat. My kids followed like little ducklings. I stood in front of my monster with my children at my side and my friends who sat with him. My friends were all smiles to see me and asked if we would be joining them for lunch. I said my monsters name out loud and said I was there to see him. He stood to shake my hand. I reached for his and took hold. It was familiar, bringing back memories of the times we had taken hands to pray or sing praises. I looked into his eyes remembering the evil words he put into my heart. I was released from his grip. He sat down. Now it's my turn. "You remember me. I'm okay and I want you to see my boys. I survived and I'm here to tell you that I forgive you." With that said, my monster left my heart. I was filled with instant comfort, peace and joy. Then I left. I cried with joy all the way home. My kids asked who that was and I simply told them, "he is nobody to me." He was just a man that gave me evil but I let it go. I no longer live in fear of my monster. I have seen him face to face and have been healed, my heart no longer shattered. I have been given freedom, I am no longer my monsters prisoner. I now live in the light. I'm FREE! Praise God for preparing me for his good will!

Isaiah 61:1 He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners,

Puzzle Pieces

In the middle of the night I held in my arms a very good friend. Her heart was shattered after delivering her stillborn baby and there were no words that could comfort her. We prayed together, at times allowing the Holy Spirit to interpret through our tears and groans. She couldn't understand how she could become pregnant so easily and deliver three healthy children and then all of a sudden with no reason she can't carry a baby past twenty weeks. I couldn't give her a good answer. I drove home with my heart broken for her. At this time I was still waiting to adopt Tyla but knew in my heart that it probably wouldn't happen. I had already poured over verses about God's love, peace and comfort. I had also recently come across a verse that screamed at me to know and understand it. Isaiah 61:1 He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners. Jesus is the great physician, the one who set me free.

The next morning I read over the scriptures in Job. It was the only place I could imagine there would be answers. My dear friend had done nothing wrong. She was a wonderful, faithful woman who had been afflicted. Much like Job she wanted to know why. In verses 38-42 God and Job have a conversation. I have always imagined my conversation between God and I would go much differently. Now I am not so sure that I am ready for such a conversation. Job questions God and God replies out of a storm. He starts by asking where Job was during creation when the earth was formed and boundaries were set. Was he there to count the months before the mountain goats give birth to their fawn. Could he bring forth the lightening bolts and rain? Does he give wisdom to the heart and knowledge to the mind? Does the hawk take flight by his wisdom and soar at his command? Job replies that God can do all things and His plan cannot be stopped.

While there is devastation around me there is comfort in knowing that I am not the one in control. I do not know what is best for me or anyone else. God knows the future of my dear friend and will provide for her what she needs and the life He wants for her. God will provide the same thing for Christy and her family. He knows Tyla's future and He will put her exactly where she needs to be. This moment in time is only a puzzle piece in time. With the help from God I can put together the pieces of my past to see a picture that becomes a little more clear everyday. As for my future, those puzzle pieces are in God's hands. I will trust that he will give them to me when I am ready.

Under Seige

Okay Friends, I am under seige! Jason has a ring that was given to him from a very good friend. It is thick silver with a hollowed out sword that shows the flesh of his finger. Within the sword is a circle and within the circle are twelve dots. The sword represents spiritual warfare. If you wear your ring with the sword pointing away from you, you are strong and ready for battle. If it points toward you, you are under attack. The dots represent the twelve of Jesus' friend that stood beside him. His closest friends. A reminder that you are not alone in your spiritual battle and you should draw spiritual strength from your closest friends.

So here I stand! The sword at my heart pointed so close I can feel it's pressure. Sometimes life is just plain hard. Usually difficulties come and go, only lasting a few days or weeks. I have been strong. I have stayed in the faith and will continue to do so. Verses ring loud in my heart. God is my provider and comforter. God with give me strength and peace. God will heal my brokeness.

Lately it feels like it has been one thing after another. Mostly little things. Isn't that how things usually go? The little things get to you faster than anything and then when they multiply the stress begins to put fractures in your life. Then the big blow! Satan swoops in to crush you. He has found I have learned to endure. Satan has had to work harder on me. Get behind me Satan! I WILL find strength, comfort, and peace from the One who provides it to me!

My friends feel so far from me. I have kids to teach and papers to grade. A budget to keep and a house to clean. The military calls my family to sacrifice. There are documents to complete, file and mail off. Doctors appointments to make and attend. Most of these things are the usual daily tasks but they have screamed out to me over the last few weeks, "Attend to me NOW!" Then the crushing blow. A congregation is torn apart. Hearts are broken. Lives changed forever. It can't be undone. That's how satan works. He stresses your life and then he hits. So stand together my friends! Build your army! Pray, pray, pray! Turn the sword from your chest and fight for what you know is true. Fight through the stess and when satan gives you a blow that knocks you down. Get up and fight! Fall on your knees and pray! Build your army of friends. The seige can be fought and won!

Blue Skies and Rain

Over the past few days I have spent time thinking about how God has blessed me through my struggles. I have thought a great deal about the verses about God providing me with strength, comfort and peace right now. Yet I stumble into a day like yesterday and everything falls apart. It started a week ago when my two year old daughter Faith came to me saying "I eat the money." My ten year old son told me that there had been a penny on the floor but now it's gone. I asked Faith where she put the money and she replied, "In my mouf." I told her to show me where the penny was and she smiled, opened wide and with her chubby little finger she pointed into her mouth. So we waited for the penny. After a week with no sign of a penny I made an appointment with her pediatrician. It was difficult getting up for an early morning appointment because the night before we had spent the evening having family time at the ocean. I crawled out of bed and got myself ready, packed up everything I needed and then gingerly tip toed into Faith's room praying she awakes in a good mood. She picked her head up and smiled and I let out a sigh of relief. Then the demands of the morning began. I told her we had to go to the doctor to find the penny that she ate. She said, "No! I lost it!" I began to feel regret that I made the appointment. I questioned her, "Where did you loose it?" Pointing to the inside of her mouth she replied, "In my mouf." Pulling her pajama's off and taking a deep breath I told her we have to go find the penny that she lost in her mouth. Once Faith was ready we headed to the car leaving the sleepy boys to fend for themselves. We hopped onto the interstate and began our thirty minute drive to the base. Our music on the radio was interrupted with warnings that there had been an accident on the interstate closing both directions at the exit we use to get to the base. Then they continued telling about another accident that closed the exit that would have been my next option to go around to the other gate of the base. Well now what! My mind raced with maps in my head of different roads I had been on. There was only one road left that I could think of. Within a few miles I rounded a corner and there it was, all three lanes at a complete stop! My last option of getting to the base was blocked with traffic. I could see the over pass I would have used was blocked as well. At the last minute, not wanting to sit for the next several hours in traffic I swerved and exited at an exit I had only taken once before. All I could think is, "what have I just done? I have no idea where I am." Again maps began to surge through my mind. There was one road that I had never taken before that I thought would take me toward the base. Then I saw it. At least I thought I saw it. There were several cars turning there and I thought, "well, I guess I will follow those guys". So off I went. I followed the cars in front of me through several turns and without a bit of traffic ended up on base for the doctors appointment on time! I climb out of the car with my purse, the diaper bag and Faith who refused to walk because she has an owie on her foot. I pulled myself together and walked through the front door only to find two uniformed airmen that want to search my bag and check my ID. I stumbled and nearly dropped everything when I finally tossed the bag to the surprised women and said, "Here, why don't you hold it while you check it and I'll get my ID." I made it past the check point and headed to the pediatricians office. When I get there I introduce Faith and held out my ID for them to check. Without looking up two women sitting behind computers began to ask me questions. I am still not sure which one of them checked me in. I tucked my ID away and headed to the waiting room to fill out the paper work. Before I could get started the doctor came in and told me to head over to x-ray. I gathered everything up again and headed down the hall. I got checked in and hadn't even sat down when an airmen called out for Faith. He asked for my ID which I began to dig for. It wasn't there. Poof! It was gone. I used my son Alex's ID and my drivers licence to prove who I was. He graciously took the x-ray which showed she had already passed the penny. I left there and headed straight for Jason's office. I dumped my purse and diaper bag on the front seat of the car. I wasn't surprised to find that it still wasn't there and now my seat was filled with old Cheerios. I headed into the office to tell of my disappearing ID. Jason was wonderful about the whole thing. We headed over to get a letter from someone in the office saying it was confirmed lost and stating I needed a new one. Then headed to another office where I was issued a brand new ID. I was still pretty frazzled so Jason took me to lunch so I could chill out. I was able to avoid traffic while heading home because they had opened one side of the interstate. I dropped Faith off at home and headed to my physical therapy appointment. I was so tired and really didn't want to go. But I know that I need to get stronger and I can't give up. So I got back in the car and drove the same route I had earlier even though it took me way out of the way. I made it to my appointment and I got into the pool to do my exercises. Everything hurt after an hour of working out. I headed home in thick traffic and felt completely defeated. What a horrible day! Why can't anything go right? The day isn't even over. Now I have to go home in this exhausted state and feed five kids dinner and take them to church. How will I survive this? As I got onto the interstate it began to rain. Even though it was just a little rain it couldn't be described as a sprinkle. The drops were big and full as they hit the car like rocks. Then the rain came faster and heavier crashing down onto the car. I leaned forward and looked out of the windshield. I looked up and saw the most amazing blue sky. Yep the sky was completely blue with only a few little, fluffy white clouds off to the side. That's God for you. Even in the rain He shines. He brought me back to reality. The reality that when I feel lousy and I have been pelted with life's little annoyances all day He still shines in my life. If I look for Him, He's there. He will reveal himself at the most amazing times and sometimes it's when it is when you don't expect it. In the business of life and bad days remember that the sun can shine even when it rains!

The Rock

Over the year that I was friends with Christy I was really struggling with finding strength to give a part of myself away that felt like I was dying. I had been teaching a teen girl class on Wednesday nights. At the end of the book we had been working through it asked that we all write something on a rock. I thought the exercises was silly. But I wanted to be a good example. So the afternoon before class I gathered up enough rocks for the girls and me. I had pondered what to right but I couldn't think of anything. How could I? Everything in life at that time was so incredibly difficult and writing on a rock was just plain insignificant in comparison. I got to class that night and told the girls about our project. They all looked at me like I was an idiot. "Oh, come on. This is going to be great." I said with a big fake smile. One of the girls replied, "What are we supposed to write?" I again tried to sound enthusiastic and said, "Anything you want. Look I'll start." I then was over come by sheer panic. I could think of nothing. I had thought all day and nothing had come to mind and as I stood in the presence of all these girls staring at me, my mind was even more blank than before. I then gave a quick silent prayer, "Oh Lord, please give me something, anything to say. Speak through me oh Lord." Immediately the word Believe popped into my mind. I picked up my red sharpie and wrote onto my rock Believe. One of the girls asked, "What's that suppose to mean." Feeling a little down hearted and let down I replied, "I don't know, just right a word." All of the girls busily started writing on their rocks. I took my rock home and set it on the table top at the entry way of the front door. It sat there untouched for at least 6 months. From time to time it would catch my eye. The word Believe written there on that rock for no good reason.

One very average morning I was studying the bible at the kitchen table while the kids ate their breakfast. I began with the usual prayer for God to open my heart to his word. I then read these verses,

Matthew 21:21-22 ...Jesus told them, "I tell you the truth, if you have faith and don't doubt, you can do things like this and much more. You can even say to this mountain, 'May you be lifted up and thrown into the sea,' and it will happen. You can pray for anything, and if you have faith, you will receive it."

John 20:26-31 Eight days later the disciples were together again, and this time Thomas was with them. The doors were locked; but suddenly, as before, Jesus was standing among them. "Peace be with you," he said. Then he said to Thomas, "Put your finger here, and look at my hands. Put your hand into the wound in my side. Don't be faithless any longer. Believe!" "My Lord and my God!" Thomas exclaimed. Then Jesus told him, "You believe because you have seen me. Blessed are those who believe without seeing me." The disciples saw Jesus do many other miraculous signs in addition to the ones recorded in this book. But these are written so that you may continue to believe that Jesus is the Messiah, the Son of God, and that by believing in him you will have life by the power of his name.

1 Timothy 4:9-10 This is a trustworthy saying, and everyone should accept it. This is why we work hard and continue to struggle, for our hope is in the living God, who is the Savior of all people and particularly of all believers.

Hebrews 11:6 And it is impossible to please God without faith. Anyone who wants to come to him must believe that God exists and that he rewards those who sincerely seek him.

I jumped from my seat and ran to find my rock. It was exactly where I had left it months before. The word Believe staring up at me. I found another sharpie and wrote on the other side, Pain, in bold black letters. On the Pain side of the rock it represents Jesus trapped in his tomb. Sealed away without hope. If I leave it on that side I am without hope and live in pain. As I flip the rock over it represents Jesus rolling the stone away, healing me from all earthly pain. My belief can't stop with believing that Jesus lived and died. I have to believe that he rolled that giant rock away and with that has set me free as well. His promises to me are fulfilled. So now what? Do I really have to wait until I get to heaven to feel relief? To be healed? I set the stone on the table in front of me and continues to read.

John 14:26-29 But when the Father sends the Advocate as my representative—that is, the Holy Spirit—he will teach you everything and will remind you of everything I have told you. "I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don't be troubled or afraid.

John 16:33  I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world."

Psalm 119:76 Now let your unfailing love comfort me, just as you promised me, your servant.

John 15:11 I have told you these things so that you will be filled with my joy. Yes, your joy will overflow!

Romans 5:1-5 Therefore, since we have been made right in God's sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us. Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God's glory. We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.

I don't have to wait! I can have all these things now! I have been a follower of Christ most of my life so you would think I would feel at peace. But through struggles that peace tends to whither away. So how do I get it back? Then I was reminded of a story.

Matthew 26:36-47 Then Jesus went with them to the olive grove called Gethsemane, and he said, "Sit here while I go over there to pray." He took Peter and Zebedee's two sons, James and John, and he became anguished and distressed. He told them, "My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me." He went on a little farther and bowed with his face to the ground, praying, "My Father! If it is possible, let this cup of suffering be taken away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine." Then he returned to the disciples and found them asleep. He said to Peter, "Couldn't you watch with me even one hour? Keep watch and pray, so that you will not give in to temptation. For the spirit is willing, but the body is weak!" Then Jesus left them a second time and prayed, "My Father! If this cup cannot be taken away unless I drink it, your will be done." When he returned to them again, he found them sleeping, for they couldn't keep their eyes open. So he went to pray a third time, saying the same things again. Then he came to the disciples and said, "Go ahead and sleep. Have your rest. But look—the time has come. The Son of Man is betrayed into the hands of sinners.

Jesus' soul was crushed with grieve. He went in prayer to God. Three times he prayed the same prayer. Why? It seams to me that he was searching for peace and comfort. How often do we say a prayer then open our eyes and lift our head and have never allowed God to fill our hearts with his love, giving us peace and comfort. I usually pray and then go on worrying about the exact thing I just prayed about. So from the moment that I sat at the table to this day when I pray I will pray the same prayer over and over again until my heart is open to God's will and I am at peace. "Not my will but your will be done Father".

God will give you what you ask for, whether you like it or NOT!

As a military wife and a mother of 5 you can say that we have had our ups and downs in life. Ups are wonderful but it is the downs that I learn how to have a greater faith. I have been told over and over by friends that I should write my life events down and yet like most things I have procrastinated. So here we go, a new journey begins. I hope that through my writings I can continue to gain prospective along with laugh, cry and learn with those willing to join me. Some of my writings will be about things in my past, while others will be current events. So hang onto your seats and lets begin!

I began thinking about life as a journey about 6 years ago. I was living in southern Illinois on an Air Force base with my husband and four handsome boys. When my youngest was born I was told I couldn't have any more kids. I was fine with that, 4 boys in 5 years was plenty for me. But around the time that my youngest son Cooper was 6 months old I started thinking about all that I was missing not having a little girl. So one day while riding in the car I asked my husband Jason this question, "don't answer me now but will you pray about and consider adopting a little girl?" Jason thought I was crazy to even consider such a thing and did NOT give me an answer. A year later he was reading a book about a Colonial in the Air Force that had retired and opened an orphanage in foreign country. Before getting dressed for work he prayed that God would give him an open heart to follow His will no matter what. He wanted God to bring something into his life that would help him to serve and follow God in a way that would change lives. He left for work and our day started as normal. Then the phone rang. A friend of mine called to tell me that someone she went to church with had a niece that was having a hard time coping with her pregnancy. They thought if someone was willing to adopt her unborn baby girl that she might be able to get through what life had to offer her. I quickly got off the phone and called Jason. I asked him what he thought and he told me we would talk when he got home. I anxiously waited for him. When he finally got home he spouted out in frustration , "Fine! Call them and tell them we will adopt the baby!" I was excited but really confused by his willingness and frustration. He told me he couldn't say no because he made a promise to God that morning that no matter what God brought to him he would do it. I called my friend and told her that we would adopt the baby. It was only a short time before I got to meet Christy. She had a little boy that was the exact same age as Cooper. They were both 17 months old and born on the same day. She was 8 months pregnant and desperately seeking some help. I told her that I felt God led us to her and we would help her get on her feet or adopt the baby. Whatever it was that she was needing we would be there for her. A friendship quickly developed between the two of us. She said she wanted us to adopt the baby but then just before she delivered she changed her mind and asked me to be her labor coach. I had agreed. The delivery took place in the middle of the night and I stayed with her through the delivery and sat with her holding this beautiful baby girl for several hours. Jason was being deployed that afternoon for six months so I had to leave Christy and her new baby Tyla to tend to my own family. After Jason left I packed up the boys and we left the next morning to take a trip of a life time visit family on route to the Grand Canyon. Our trip lasted about 8 weeks and totalled 5,000 miles round trip. When we got back I went to see Christy and her family. I was so excited to see Tyla. As I held her Christy told me that she was having a hard time and was still thinking that it would be best if I adopted Tyla.

To make a long story short I will tell you that I spent the next year in limbo over the adoption. We couldn't get the birth father to sign over his rights. I spent nearly everyday with Christy and Tyla and she went back and forth about what she wanted. I cried nearly every night over being strung along desperately wanted a decision to be made. I felt that I couldn't step out of the situation as long as I could be a Christian influence to her. I tought her how to be a better mom and how to keep the house clean and budget her bills. Even if we didn't adopt Tyla I felt like I needed to do everything I could to make sure she had the best life that Christy could offer her. Over that year I learned the true meaning of, "not my will but thine be done". Sometimes life can be hard. Sometimes it can be excruciatingly painful. I learned that serving God for His glory doesn't always mean it is for the better of myself in the worldly physical way. A week before Tyla's 1st birthday I pinned Chrisy down and told her that we were moving and had to have an answer. We couldn't wait any longer. She told us she was going to keep her. My heart was broken. I went to Tyla's birthday party the next week and said goodbye to her and left with empty arms. I couldn't believe what had happened over that year. To me walking in faith is to follow God even when it hurts. To follow Him no matter where he sends me. God has called us to love. He doesn't ask us to guard our hearts. Sometimes we have to love through the hardest of situations and through the greatest of pain. It is through this love that God will be glorified. Through our pain He will shine.

I didn't talk to Christy after that for 5 years. Just a few weeks ago I found her on facebook and sent her a message. She then called me and we talked for an hour. She is doing really well. She is working two good jobs and has learned to budget her money. Her kids are both in school now and are thriving. She thanked me for all that I had taught her. Most importantly she thanked me for teaching her how to love her baby girl that she didn't even want. She attends church with her kids and has hopes and dreams of continuing to be a follower of Christ and to be a great mom. Praise God!