Here my prayer, Lord, listen to my cry for help

I lay in bed not able to move. I struggle to lift myself up to a sitting position. I sit on the side of my bed winded from the move from laying to sitting. I lift myself to a stand, hobbling on one foot I slowly move down the hall to the living room. Half way there I have to stop to catch my breath. It takes several minutes just to move a few feet. I get to the couch and lower myself slowly. As I sit pain shoots from my sciatica running from my lower back down to my foot. I roll over onto my face, straightening my leg as much as possible and scream. The pain lessens enough to pull my legs onto the couch and rest. I watch Faith play at a distance. She is getting irritable and I sense that it is because she hasn't been cuddled for several weeks. I call Ryan into the room and ask if he can make her lunch and spend some time with her. I lay there for a little while and talk to Ryan as he cares for Faith. I anxiously watch the clock. My friend Sara is coming to get me so I can have an MRI. After three and a half weeks my doctor has finally decided to start running tests.

When Sara gets to the house she helps me put my shoes on since I can no longer reach my feet. I limp to the car. Getting in is more painful than before. I lift my leg into the car and Sara helps me close the door. The drive there was so painful I felt as though I could pass out. Sara asked what she could do for me and I said. "hit me over the head with a brick." I wished I could be unconscious, I could hardly stand the pain. We get to the imaging place and get checked in. They called me back and prepared me for the MRI. I lay on my back on the table and they strap me down. The said to lay as still as I could or they would have to start all over again. I was pushed into the machine. I didn't move a muscle as I moved my eyes around to see what was around me. I could see out of the top of the machine and that made me feel a little less trapped. I then looked around at all the screws holding the machine together. I tried to keep my mind busy. I let my body relax as I heard the banging of the machine. Pain was running up and down my leg. I continued to try to ignore it. After about fifteen minutes I could no longer ignore it as I began to sweat from the pain. "Hold on," I thought, "Don't move, just breath. Oh God, help me. I can't stand this." I felt as though I was going to throw up. I pushed the little button for help. Through the speaker I heard a voice say, "What do you need." I responded anxiously, "I need out." They rolled my out and two attendance came to the table by my side. One asked, "Are you okay?" Uncontrollably tears rolled down my face. I sputtered trying to hold back from sobbing, "I hurt" is all I get manage to get out. I lied there not moving with the tears flowing quickly. I took a couple of deep breaths and regained my composer. I asked if I could move. They unstrapped my leg and lifted it up for me. After a brief moment they asked if I could finish the last fifteen minutes. Knowing that this was the only way to get help I said yes. They strapped my leg back down and rolled the table back into the MRI machine. For the next fifteen minutes I just prayed. "My dear God help me through this. I can't do this alone. It's more than I can bare. The spirit is willing but the body is week. Help me Lord. Help me." Over and over I prayed. I tried to use the drones of the machine to let my mind move away from the pain. I don't want to hurt anymore. When the test was over I walked back to the waiting room to see Sara. She asked how things went and I told her I cried like a baby. "It was the worst thing I have ever experienced. It was far worse than labor!" We went to the car and drove home. When we got there Sara gave Faith some cuddles and played with her for a little bit. I layed on the couch exhausted from the pain. I was exhausted from all that I had been through but the pain kept me from sleeping.

The doctor called the next day and said that I have a ruptured disc that was pressing on my sciatic nerve. He was now going to refer me to a neurosurgeon. Several days past before the referral was approved through my insurance. I called the surgeon and asked for an appointment. They told me to bring the MRI images to the office and after looking them over they would call me to set up an appointment. I asked how long it would take for them to look at the images and they told me it could be as long as two weeks. I begged for her to tell the doctor that I needed help now. She said she would leave a message on her desk but to make sure I get the images in as soon as possible. I got off the phone and called Ryan in. I told him I needed him to take my MRI results to the surgeon. I crawled out of bed and went to the computer. It took everything I had to put together a letter for the doctor. I told her that I am a mother of five and my husband who is in the military is away. I have help from my eighteen year old nephew but I couldn't live like this anymore. My family needs me and I can't stand the pain. I printed off the letter and sent it and the images with Ryan to the doctors office. I received a call a few hours later and they wanted to see me the next day.

Psalm 39:12

Hear my prayer, LORD,
listen to my cry for help;
do not be deaf to my weeping.

Philippians 4:13

I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

Through my pain I seek Christ in a way that I never had before. I know that he is the only one who can relieve my pain through the peace that only he can provide. I lay in my bed and rest my mind and think of being in the arms of my Lord.

One Moment, One Breath

Jason finally home from Afghanistan

Faith was 3 months old when Jason came home. It was absolutely wonderful to be a family again after a long deployment. With such a long seperation we always have to figure out the family dynamics and this time we had a baby in the mix but we managed to figure things out quickly. We have finally found the ebb and flow of separation and reuniting. The next year went by without any major events. Our family grew closer together as we coached our kids in soccer, baseball and hockey. We spent great time together traveling  all over Washington State and Canada as our kids played in hockey tournaments. We had a blast being together and savored every minute.

Then we found out that Jason got a school slot in New Jersey and would be leaving for three months beginning September of 2010. We tried to make the most of our summer in Washington State since we would probably move when Jason got back. I had also asked my seventeen year old nephew Ryan to come stay with me while Jason was gone. We had things that needed to be done around the house so that we could rent it and we really wanted to help him get on his feet. Several weeks before Jason left, Ryan and his younger brother Aidan flew out to visit us and Ryan moved in. A week later Aidan flew home and a week after that Jason was to leave. I decided to take the younger kids and visit my grandma in California. We had a wonderful trip. Jason, Ryan and Alex stayed behind and worked on the house and yard. When I returned we took a few days to relax and enjoy our summer by sleeping in and lounging around the house all day. I finally came to the decision that it was time to get the kids back on schedule and reclaim the house as a place of peace and organization. An act that would change everything.

Grandma and Faith walking by the lake

(back row left to right) Jason holding Faith, Aidan, Ryan
(front row left to right) Jackson, Cooper, Nicholas, Alex

I was heading down the stairs to do a load of laundry. With both hands on the railing I took the first step. The kids caught my eye as they were sitting on the couch watching TV. So I looked over the banister and said, "Hey guys, turn the TV off and get cleaned up for the day." Before I looked forward I was already reaching my foot for the next step. My foot touched down and I raised my back foot to step down. When I did my front foot slid off the step. My arms straightened to catch myself, my back arched back and tightened every muscle. I reached my feet up and stood back up on the step. I stood there for a moment and I had tingling going through my back. I thought to myself "I am going to feel that later". I headed down the stairs and finished doing what I had intended. I busily worked throughout the house getting things back in order. After a few hours my back was really hurting. The only way I could get comfortable was to lay in the fetal position and rock back and forth on my back. I did that for about an hour with Faith running around me. When Jason came home from work I crawled into bed and called it a night. I had trouble sleeping that night because the pain was getting more and more unbearable. The next morning I could barely move. I was still hoping that this was just a bad muscle spasm and within a few hours things would start to feel better. Through out the day I continued to deteriorate. I told Jason when he got home from work that I was going to have to go the doctor in the morning if I didn't start to improve. That night I didn't sleep at all. When I got up the next morning I couldn't move my left leg. I called the base and tried to get an appointment but they didn't have any available that day. I told them I couldn't wait so they said to go to urgent care. I had Ryan stay with the kids. I went outside to get in the car. I could barely walk down the stairs and getting in the car was excruciating. I couldn't bend at the waist and I had to lift my leg into the car with my hands. It was so painful I broke into a sweat and I had to sit for a minute to regain my composer and catch my breath. The drive was painful. I would holler out at every bump in the road as it sent pain shooting through my body. When I got to the urgent care getting out of the car was another excruciating event. When I was out and finally standing upright I looked at the front doors of the building and thought I might not make it that far. I struggled through the doors and up to the front desk. I got checked in and waited. When I was called back and evaluated the doctor told me it sounded like I have a bulging disc. She gave me some percocet and said I would be fine in a few days. I struggled to the front door and looked up. The doctor that had just seen me for all of two minutes was already getting in her car and driving off. How nice it must be to move with such speed? I guess she was off to lunch while I can barely make it to my car.

Over the next few days I continued to get worse. I had gone back to my doctor on base and they told me the same thing. "Just wait and I will be fine soon." My leg was now numb from my toes all the way up to my lower back. As time went by I lost more function. I lost the ability to flex the muscle in my leg or rear end. I couldn't straighten my leg or bend at the waist. I could no longer bare any weight on my leg at all. And really how could I if I could only touch my toes to the ground when I was standing. I couldn't sit in a chair. I couldn't lay down for more than fifteen minutes but I could only walk for about five. I couldn't eat or sleep. I continued to go back to my doctor begging for help. But they did nothing but tell me if I got worse than I was that I should go to the ER. I couldn't imagine getting worse. I had lost weight and my leg was nothing but bone. Jason had gone to school in New Jersey and I was left completely unable to take care of myself let alone my kids. Ryan stepped up and did everything. I basically ran the household from bed. I would call him on his cell phone down stairs and have him get the kids up for school. If I could hear Faith crying I would call him to take care of her. I could do nothing! The longer I laid in that bed the more I cried out for help. But the doctors refused to listen.

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Every moment I lay in pain, the pain killers not working, I just live through every breath waiting for that moment to pass. Hoping that His plan is to help me. I can get through this one moment while in Jesus' arms. Just this one moment in time. I can't think past today, past this breath. The thought would be too painful, to think I might be in this kind of pain for more than the moment of this one breath. So I will just breath and get through this one moment.

I'm Taking Her Baby

After the c-section Victoria was taken back to her room and Faith was taken to the nursery. A nurse came in and said that Faith could have two visitors so Victoria's mom and I both went to see her. We spent wonderful time talking about how incredible this tiny baby is and I took pictures as she changed her first diaper. Then she decided to go and give someone else a turn to see her. One by one each family member came in and I was able to get pictures of them gazing at Faith. You could see the bitter sweet expression on their faces. Faith will forever see the love they have for her as she looks through the pictures I took. After Jerry and all her family had a chance to see her I was able to give my baby girl her first bath. I didn't get the chance to give the boys their first bath so this was a really special time for me. I loved every minute that I had with her. When I was done I swaddled her and left her to rest while I went to check on Victoria. I sat with her and told her how beautiful Faith was and what a wonderful job she had done. She was so anxious to see her that it seemed like forever before the nurse finally brought her in.

Saturday, March 7th

I took pictures as Victoria held her daughter in her arms for the very first time. She was all smiles at how wonderful she is. We all took turns holding her and taking pictures. Then Victoria held her again. This time looking at her more intently. I watched closely as she unswaddled her baby and inspected each and everyone of her fingers then moved onto her toes. She touched her daughter so softly across her cheek, forehead and hair. All the same places I had just washed my daughter clean while in the nursery. It all seemed a little much for me to take in all in one day so I decided to let Victoria have some time alone with Faith and I headed back to Linda and Marvin's to get some rest.

Sunday, March 8th

On Sunday I went to church with Linda and Marvin and told everyone about the most wonderful baby that was born the day before. Marvin had printed several pictures into an 8 x 10 print. Those pictures couldn't be big enough for that proud Papa! After church I went to the hospital to see Victoria and Faith. She was more somber and quiet and her eyes were puffy and red from crying. She stared at Faith in an attempt to burn her image to memory. Every touch had such purpose. She said, "I just want her to know how much I love her." Jerry was at the hospital that day along with Victoria's mom, grandma and great grandma. We all spent time talking but Victoria's presence and emotional state were on the fore front of every one's mind. We sometimes just sat and watched her quietly as she bonded with Faith. A little later I left and went shopping for a few gifts for Victoria. I went to Toys R Us to get her a teddy bear and then I went next door to the Christian book store to find something a little more personable. I had also brought from Washington a pewter gift set that included a case for Faith's first tooth, another case for her first piece of cut hair and a scroll encasing for her birth certificate. After shopping I went back to the hospital. Victoria was crying uncontrollably. Her mom said she was having a hard time. I sat down and awkwardly watched her cry. She motioned for me to take Faith. I told her that was okay, I didn't need to hold her right then. She told me to go ahead and hold her. I walked over and took Faith from her arms. I sat back down in my chair with Faith in my hands over my lap. I sat and looked her over. She looked so much like Victoria. I began to wonder if I could ever look at her without seeing Victoria's face. The room was no longer a happy place to be. Everyone was crying and trying to console Victoria. But there was no consoling a women who was giving away her baby. When I drove back to Marvin and Linda's that night I did everything I could to hold myself together. When I got home I climbed into bed with my phone in my hands. I wished so much that I could call Jason in Afghanistan. With the time difference everyone I knew was already asleep but I couldn't stand to be alone. I dialed my mom and when she answered the phone with a sleepy, "hi honey", I broke down and sobbed. When she heard my cries she said, "oh no, did she change her mind?" With the only words I could form in my mouth I responded, "no, I'm taking her baby." My mom just listened to me cry for a little while and when I could finally talk again I told her I could hardly stand it. She loves her so much and I am taking her. I know that she is making the right decision for both of them but I felt like I was ripping a family apart. I felt like the enemy. My mom did her best to listen and console me. I knew there was nothing that could make me stop crying so I hung up the phone and cried myself to sleep.

Monday, March 9th

On Monday I pulled myself together and went to see Victoria and Faith. When I walked into the hospital room Victoria was still crying. Her milk had come in and she couldn't nurse. We both knew it would happen but neither of us was prepared for the emotional toll it would put on her. I could tell she had been crying for a very long time. Several of the women that run the Arbor House were there visiting her and taking turns holding Faith. I gave Victoria a long hug. She wiped her eyes and said she just couldn't stop crying. She assured me she hadn't changed her mind but that she didn't know it would be so hard. Her mom told me she had been crying all night. She laid on her back with Faith on her chest and just cried. She was afraid to go to sleep because she didn't want to miss a single moment that she could be with her. After visiting for a little bit Victoria asked me if I would walk with her. As we walked down the hallways of the hospital we talked about some of the things we had agreed on while we were walking just days before on our nature walk. I would send her pictures every month for the first three months and I would always tell Faith how much Victoria loved her and wanted what was best for her. She walked with me now afraid that when I left the hospital with Faith that I would just disappear. She asked me if I really meant all that I said about staying in touch with her. I told her I would never just take Faith away and that Faith would always know how special Victoria is. She stopped and looked into my eyes, crying almost uncontrollably she said, "please don't take her from me and never let me know how she is. I don't think I could stand it if you did." I hugged her and reassured her that I had made a promise to her and I would keep it. We walked back to the room where she crawled back in bed, put Faith back on her chest and continued to cry. I hugged her again and told her that I was going out for a while but that I would be back with her gifts for her. After I left Jerry called me and said that Victoria asked that when I bring back the gifts that I not stay. She couldn't stand to have me in the room anymore. My heart was crushed. I felt like I had just lost a friend.

Genesis 31:49
"The Lord Watch between me and thee, when we are absent one from another"

I went back to Marvin and Linda's house and gathered the gifts. I was so sad that I was almost numb inside. I walked through the hospital and to the door of her room. I stood there for a moment and listened to Victoria cry. When I walked in the room got quiet. I gave her a hug and sat beside her on the bed. She wanted me to start with a gift from her. I opened a box and pulled out a snow globe. Inside was a little girl on her knees and her hands were clasp together in prayer. On the front was a plaque that read, "Faith, From the Loving Hands of Victoria. 2009" The globe played the song "Over the Rainbow". Victoria said it was her favorite song. I teared up and told her it was mine too. I reached out handing her a gift bag. She pulled out the pewter gift set. He puffy eyes teared up as I explained that I would send her Faith's first hair cut and lost tooth. It was a promise that I wouldn't loose touch with her. Next she pulled out a bible. She told me earlier that week that she had one but since she is in the shelter she doesn't have access to it. I also gave her a journal that has questions in it about her life. I told her that I wanted her to work on filling it out over the next several years and when Faith is old enough I would like for Victoria to give it to her as a gift. She promised me she would. I reached down and picked up another bag and handed it to Victoria. She pulled out two matching bears. She looked a little bit confused so I explained, "I have one bear for you and one that I will keep with Faith. Look at the necklace around the bear's neck." Victoria reached out and picked up the necklace on one bear and saw a broken pendant. Then reached out and found the second half of the pendant on the other bear. She gasped and began to cry harder. Then I explained the meaning of the pendant. It reads from Genesis 31:49 "The LORD watch between me and thee, when we are absent one from another." I told her that I will keep Faith's bear on her bed always and that someday the bears will be together and the pendant will be whole again. So as she holds her bear she can imagine Faith sleeping with hers. Victoria cried so hard she couldn't speak. Her mom helped her to write out the words on the pendant onto another piece of paper so she wouldn't forget what it reads.We hugged for a long time and told each other how much we loved each other. I gave Faith a kiss on her head to say goodbye and then I left. I went back to Marvin and Linda's house and talked to Linda for hours about all that had gone on that week. God gave me such a blessing when he picked Linda to be with me that week. I really don't know if I could have gotten through all of this alone.

Faith Elizabeth

Tuesday, March 10th

I got up Tuesday morning and ate breakfast with Marvin and Linda as I had every morning since I had been there. But today was different. Today I was waiting for the call that I could pick up my baby. Victoria had said her goodbye to me the day before and didn't want me at the hospital at all until she was gone. So I waited. Jerry called shortly after breakfast and told me that Victoria would be released form the hospital around noon. She would sign the papers to relinquish her rights as Faith's mother at that time. Jerry was going to be there with her all morning to support her along with her family. Her aunt had a gift for me and asked if I would meet her in the hospital lobby before Victoria was to go home. I felt things that I really didn't expect that day. My good friend was hurting and I not only couldn't be there for her but in some ways I felt responsible for her pain. I wanted to be with her family who I had come to know and consider to be my own family. I was scared that she would change her mind at the last minute and I wanted desperately to hold my little girl in my arms. I drove to the hospital  and parked the car. I looked up at the hospital thinking about how my little girl was upstairs and I couldn't go to her. I sat in the lobby and waited for Victoria's aunt. When she walked in I could tell that she had been crying. I gave her a big hug and then we sat together on the couch. I opened the present that she gave me. Inside a tiny pouch was a pendant with a cross on the front. On the back it read "We will always cherish your love". It meant so much to me to know that they knew how much I loved them all. I held her for a few moments as she cried. We stood up and said goodbye. I watched as she went towards Victoria, then I went in the other direction towards the car. I left there and went to Starbucks. I ordered a coffee and sat outside where I could see the hospital. Everything felt so surreal as I sat and watched people around me going about their lives in such a normal way. As I sat anxiously waiting for Victoria to sign papers stating that she no longer had the rights to parent my baby girl. I stared at my phone willing for it to ring. It finally did, she had signed and was gone. Faith was at the hospital waiting for me and I was to go to the room where Victoria had spent the last three days. I couldn't get there fast enough. My baby was waiting for me and I needed to be there now! I walked in the room and Jerry was holding her. He handed her to me and we sat down and began signing papers. Jerry left the room and I changed Faith's clothes out of the outfit Victoria had put her in and into her going home outfit that I had bought for her (I finally got to remove the tags). When Jerry came back in he took a few pictures of me with my daughter.

Going HOME

I put Faith in her car seat and we headed back to Linda and Marvin's. When we got home Faith was restless and fussy. I bathed her in the sink and she quieted down and napped for a short time but when she woke  a little while later she was fussy and restless again. We made it through the day and then got ready for bed. She didn't want to lay down and it was getting late. I was missing Victoria and was sad that I knew she was hurting. It had been a long and emotional day and in the quiet of the night I couldn't avoid my emotions any longer. I laid on my back and put Faith on my chest just as Victoria had done with her for the past three days. As Faith lay on my chest she finally quieted down. Tears ran down my cheek and I whispered to her. "I am so sorry. I miss her, too." With that said we both fell asleep grieving the loss of one relationship and beginning a new one together.

Jeremiah 29:11

 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

My Friend, the Birth Mom

After I got to Gainesville, Florida Linda drove me back to her house. I got to bed around 2 AM and had set my alarm for 7:30 AM in hopes that I would be able to go to Victoria's doctors appointment with her at 9 AM. Nine o'clock came and went with no word from her. I waited without any word from her or Jerry for most of the day. I spent my time getting to know Marvin and Linda and telling them about our family. I was so disappointed that I missed the appointment. She was having an ultrasound and I desperately wanted to see the baby. I was beginning to think that she had changed her mind and I had come all that way for nothing. That evening Jerry called and said that she had been overwhelmed with the idea of meeting me. We set a time for Saturday for us to meet at Arbor House which is a home for homeless mothers and pregnant women.

Saturday morning I met Jerry at the Christian Family Services office. As we drove to the Arbor House we talked about the agency and our families. Once we got there I nervously stepped out of the car. This was going to be the very first time that I am meeting the woman who carries in her belly "my baby". This is some what of a terrifying thought. We knocked on the door and it seemed like forever before it was opened. A young woman stood before me. Her eyes shined and her smile was beautiful. We all walked into the room and sat at a small desk that was cluttered with papers. Victoria and I sat on one side and Jerry sat on the other. Awkwardly I began to talk to her about how she was doing. The conversation didn't last long. We exchanged phone numbers and then Jerry and I left. I felt better now that I had met Victoria but there was still so much unknown about her and how we were going to build a relationship. Later that evening I called Victoria and asked her if she would like to go to church with me in the morning. She said she would like that very much. It was a short phone call, just long enough to exchange details about times and locations.



Victoria



Sunday morning I picked Victoria up at the Arbor House and we drove to church just in time for bible class. I picked Linda out of the crowd and we shuffled into the pew together. After bible class there was a short break before worship started. Someone came and greeted me with all smiles and hugs saying, "you must be Heather, the one that came to adopt the baby" and that's when I realized I was needing to make some kind of introduction to Victoria. I watched the woman's lips moving as my mind raced on all the ways that I could introduce her. My heart was pounding and I felt flushed. I didn't want Victoria to feel uncomfortable at all. As the woman stopped talking I motioned over to Victoria and said, "this is my friend Victoria." The woman said, "oh isn't that nice that you came to support Heather while she is adopting. Did you come from Washington too?" Victoria blushed and smiled and said, "no, she is adopting my baby. I'm the birth mom." The woman's mouth dropped open. She recovered fairly well saying, "Oh! Well, that's nice of you to come." For the next few minutes Victoria and I had the chance to define our relationship to many very interested women. It actually worked out really well. I started introducing her as "Victoria, the birth mom who is choosing adoption for her baby" and Victoria became very comfortable talking to people and answering questions. This was probably the best thing to help us work out some of the awkwardness of our relationship and to help us move forward into a friendship. It was also super wonderful being able to praise God with the young woman who is choosing to give us her baby. There really is no greater spiritual time spent with God than that. After church we went for a walk on a nature tail. We walked for 3 miles in the warmth of the sun. We talked about everything from favorite foods to what our childhoods were like.

On Monday, I went to lunch at a BBQ place with Victoria and her mom and then on Tuesday we had lunch at the Olive Garden with her Grandma. I was able to ask all kinds of questions about their family background and what life was like growing up for both of them as well as Victoria and they learned all about my family. On Wednesday, we rented movies and hung out at Marvin and Linda's house all day. Then, on Thursday we went to the Florida's Museum of Natural History. Friday, I met Victoria at the doctors office where she had an appointment. I had the chance to meet the doctor and see the baby by ultrasound. It was more than exhilarating to listen to the little racing heart beat! The doctor also decided to get Victoria's started into labor. So after the appointment we went WALKING! We went to the Mills Hopper sink hole where we walked three flights of stairs to the bottom and them back up again. After that we went to the mall. Victoria was so tired but I encouraged her to continue to walk. When she couldn't go any farther I took her home to rest. I was so excited thinking about the possibility she could deliver any time. Sure enough, around nine o'clock Victoria called and said she couldn't stand the pain anymore. I picked her up and we headed to the hospital. She was dilated to two with contractions two minutes apart. Unfortunately they sent her home telling her to sleep it off. I took her home around midnight. I was so still so excited I couldn't get to sleep. Just as I dozed off around 2AM the phone rang again. It was the real deal this time. She was on her way to the hospital and she wanted me to meet her there.

Victoria labored for several hours. I spent most of my time with her and her family but had stepped out several times to seek emotional support from Jerry and renew my strength. I was a little concerned that Victoria's mom wasn't giving me any eye contact and had not said much to me. I told Jerry I thought that Victoria might change her mind. He had noticed the same thing and said I had reason for concern. He said that often times even if a birth mom really wants to place her baby she won't go through with it if she doesn't have the support of her family. Jerry and I had prayed and then I went back to the room. When I arrived I discovered that Victoria was no longer progressing and they decided she needed to have a c-section. She was upset and her mom, grandma and aunt rallied around her in support. Shortly after they wheeled her away a nurse brought in surgical garb for her mom and I to put on. Victoria's aunt and grandma helped us get all suited up and then we spent a few exciting moments talking as if we were all good friends. Then the nurse came in and told us Victoria was ready for us.

We entered the cold operating room where Victoria lay strapped to a table. Her mom took a seat next to her head and I stood behind her. Within minutes we could her a little cry. Over the curtain the doctor raised up this tiny little dark haired baby. She was so beautiful. I watched as they carried her over to the warmer where they would weigh and swaddle her. All I could think of is the conversation that Jerry and I had. She could change her mind! A nurse called me over to take a closer look. Victoria's mom and I excitedly walked over to her. The nurse handed the baby girl to me. I looked down at her and thought about how wonderful and beautiful she is. I decided that I would love her for as long as I could. At that moment Victoria's mom put her hand on my should and said gently in my ear, "you have a beautiful daughter." My heart let go and tears streamed down my cheeks. She then took a picture of the very moment that I knew this baby girl was really mine.

Psalm 139:13-14 For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother's womb. I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well.

Praise God for a women who allows God to grow such a gift in her womb, then to choose us to be her family!

God Paves the Way For Me

After I filed my taxes I had to wait three to four weeks for the check. The baby was due in four weeks but in God's great plan while I was heading to the store to buy some baby things to take with me to Florida I received a phone call. The baby was still very small and they wanted to change her due date by one week. Now she is due March 7th. That one week gave me a little more time to try to figure how I was going to work out my travel plans and the care of our four boys.

Jason's parents began making plans to drive from Colorado to Washington so they could stay with the boys. I printed up a daily schedule for the boys and directions to every place they could possibly go for the time I would be gone. Yes, I probably went a little over board with the micro managing! While they made their plans for travel, I also began making mine. I booked a one way flight for February 28th and began asking people from church if they knew anyone in Gainesville, Florida that I might be able to stay with. Within just a few days wonderful Miss Ella Mae came to me with fantastic news. He daughter lives in Tampa and had recently been at a work event where she met someone from Gainesville. She had put in a call and the people she met said they would take me in. What are the chances! I dare to say it wasn't "chance". It was the power of God! God was paving the way for this incredible journey.

I spent the next two weeks preparing my home for company as any good wife and mother would do. I suppose instead of saying preparing I could say frantically "death cleaning"! I also purchased the basic necessities that I would need for a new baby. I was still a little hesitant about whether or not I would really get to bring her home so I only bought enough stuff to last about 2 weeks and I left the tags on everything. Looking back on it now it really shows my state of mind and the emotions that I was feeling. I could see how God was working in my life and I trusted in his plan for me to be there for Victoria (the birth mom). That being said I wasn't so sure that his plan was for me to bring home this baby. I was so sure that I needed to be there for Victoria that I made the decision to be there a week before her delivery. Jerry, our adoption counselor was very hesitant about my plans to get there early and spend the week getting to know Victoria. He had simply said, "most adoptive parents meet once just before delivery and then will be there at the hospital." Later he told me that he was really unsure of how things would work out but that he was overwhelmed with feeling like he shouldn't get in the way of God's will.

True to God's plan and his ability to pave my path for me, three days before I left for Gainesville our tax refund arrived. The amount we received would pay for my plane ticket and the adoption in full. At that time I had also received a call from Ella Mae. She told me that the people that I was supposed to stay with had to leave town but another couple named Linda and Marvin had offered to help me out. I packed two bags, one for me and one for the baby. On February 26th I said goodbye to my boys and a friend drove me to the airport at 6 AM. I traveled for the next eighteen hours. By the time I got to Florida I was exhausted. I stepped off the plane and there waiting for me was Linda and her friend Linda (yes, they were the two Linda's). They greeted me with big smiles and even bigger hugs! I stood in a place that was completely foreign to me with people I had never met before. I was totally unprepared for what was to come.

Proverbs 3:5-6  Trust in the LORD with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.

All in a Name

I was pulling into my neighbors driveway so that I could shovel the snow in my own before I parked my van on it.  I was pulling in as I got the phone call. I answered the phone as the kids jumped out of the van to play with the neighbor kids. It was our dear friend Jerry who was also our adoption counselor. He said without hesitation, "You've  been chosen by a birth mom." I could hear his smile over the phone and I am sure he could hear mine as I began to ask questions. "What's the birth mom's name? When is she due? Is she healthy? Who is the birth father?" Jerry quickly began to answer my questions. As I watched my kids run around in the yard and play in the snow I learned about Victoria. She was 20 years old and four weeks away from her due date. She had broken off the relationship with the birth father and he wasn't involved. Victoria was living in a home for pregnant women and young mothers. She was working hard toward getting her GED. Then he asks, "Do you accept this baby?" My heart raced with excitement as I gave my answer,"Yes!" I will never forget that January 28th day.



Victoria while pregnant with our baby girl.



Several day later I paced my kitchen floor. The kids were in their rooms playing with the threat of being grounded for the rest of their lives if they came out. I watched the clock as the numbers ticked away. Any minute the phone would ring and I would get to talk to Victoria for the very first time. I was terrified. What if she didn't like me and changed her mind? How do I convey my love for her and her baby without sounding like a complete nut? Then the phone rang. I jumped at the sound. Jerry asked if I was ready and then introduced Victoria to me. I asked her how she was feeling and what her future plans were. She told me that she was doing really well and the pregnancy has been very easy. She wanted to get her GED and then go to college. Then she told me that she was planning on naming the baby Faith Elizabeth but that I didn't need to keep it. We both knew it was meant to be when I explained that the name Faith Elizabeth was on our list for a baby name. She had picked the name Faith because the pregnancy had changed the path she had been on and strengthened her faith in God. She wanted the name Elizabeth because that is her own middle name and she wanted Faith to have her name. She was so excited to hear that we were considering the name. We loved the name Faith because we had taken a complete step of faith to adopt and we just loved the name Elizabeth.  I loved talking to her. It was like we had known each other forever. I sometimes think that the name Faith was put on our hearts to help us grow closer together and have peace that this is definitely His will.

My precious daughter

For so long I have prayed for a little girl to hold.

Her eyes so blue and her hair of gold.

I waited so patiently year after year.

Time and time again, "It's a boy" is what I would hear.

My plans have changed and my vision too.

You won't grow in my belly but still I wait for you.

Although our features we do not share.

I dream of your round brown eyes and your curly brown hair.

I long to touch your soft cheek.

To smell your fragrance so sweet.

I am not the only one who waits for you.

You also have a daddy and four brothers, too.

They talk about the day of your very first date.

I can see it now as all five site at the door and wait.

For they will hold your hand as you learn to walk.

And they will giggle as you learn to talk.

They will run beside your bike as you begin to ride.

But letting go of you will be a much harder stride.

Though we have never held you in our arms you are already in our hearts.

You have been loved by three all in parts.

First by God who is knitting together for you both a body and a soul.

Then by your birth mother, for you to have a life with a loving family was her goal.

And so very soon we will be holding you, our family you complete.

We will wait and pray for God to keep you safe and far from harm until we meet.

Daddies Arms

The year was 2003 and I had heard about an orphanage in the hills of South Dakota. I couldn't imagine an orphanage right here in the states. I had to do something to help so I organized a group to go there. The plan was go one Saturday a month to have breakfast with the children then give a skit, have songs and tell a bible story. When I called to set it up I was surprised by the push back. They said they had people volunteer all the time but after only a few visits they get busy and never come back. They said it has really hurt these kids to get to know someone and then they never come back. So we promised to commit for a year and then when the year was up we would see if it is still working for both parties.

Our first Saturday was filled with excitement. We drove into the hills amazed by the beauty. As we pulled in there was a hug log building with a playground beside it. This was the kind of place that you would bring your family for a retreat but for the children inside it was home. We went in with a group of twenty from our church and introduced ourselves. They gave us a tour of the building to include the kitchen where a meal was prepared three times a day for the thirty children and the staff. We saw the staff room where we were told about how they took turns living on site with another couple to try to keep from burning out. Some of our group began cooking as they brought out the kids to meet us. They were ages five to eleven with the exception for a three year old boy that had no where else to go. Once they hit twelve they "age out" because it is a home for both boys and girls they didn't allow teens to live there.

Breakfast was ready and the kids were busy getting to their seats while we all served them. Once the food was to the table we all said a prayer and took our seats among the kids to visit. There I sat looking around a sea of little faces. They were all smiles today as they were given so much attention but I could imagine the ache they must feel living a life without the love of a parent. My kids all so little saw little difference between the orphaned kids and themselves. They sat with them and visited just as if we were at our own dinner table. And just like at home just as soon you get food on the table the kids were done and ready to be entertained. We quickly cleared the table and the teens from our group began their skit. Jason and I sat at one of the table with our chairs facing the show. I held our youngest at the time, Jackson who was just around a year old. I looked over at Jason as he reached down and picked up that three year old boy and put him on his lap so he could see. They began laughing and singing together. I couldn't take my eyes off of them. They were so beautiful together. As things began to quiet down so all the kids could hear a bible story the little boy reached his arms up over his head, reached back and wrapped his hands around Jason's neck. Jason nestled in for a snuggle as the little boy looked up with big brown eyes and said, "will you take me home and be my daddy?" Jason's eyes teared up immediately and he said, "I wish I could."

Today I can't help to see the same faces in a crowd. They look much different but they have the same sadness. The sadness of disappointment, hurt or rejection from someone who is supposed to love you and help you. Sometimes it's the little things in life that really burden our hearts and other times it's something that feels like you will never get over. Don't forget that all you have to do is wrap your arms around God's neck and say, "Will you be my daddy?" His response won't be, "I wish I could." Instead he says, "Yes! Come to me. I will give you rest." Have you called for your daddy today?

Romans 8:15
So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God’s Spirit when he adopted you as his own children. Now we call him, “Abba, Father.”

Among Angels



Christmas '07
3 months before deployment
Alex-9, Nicholas-8, Jackson-6, Cooper-4



I couldn't allow myself to be broken hearted when Jason was deployed. I needed to be strong in front of the kids. So on the way to the airport I became increasingly upset that I couldn't send Jason with an extra twenty dollars for travel money. We had filled the fridge with food to last until the next pay check, maintained both cars, filled them with gas, bought Jason an extra three month supply of clothes and hygiene products. We had spent every penny we had that month. All I wanted was for him to travel in comfort and not worry about our finances. I felt like I had failed him in our budgeting. As we rounded the corner and the airport came into view I began to cry. Jason comforted me and told me that we had everything that we needed, anything else was just not necessary and that he was going to be fine. I pulled myself together and we held hands as we pulled the van into the parking space. Jason pulled his packs out of the car. Alex strapped Jason's carry-on to his back and Jason gathered his other two packs and lead his family toward the front door. I watched as cars stopped for my uniformed husband so he could cross the road. Each one of the boys like little ducks followed him in a line with myself at the end. My heart ached with each step. We went inside and got checked in with a boarding pass for Jason and a pass for all of us to go to the gate with him. We followed in silence to the security check point. I had to be strong. The boys couldn't see me loose it but all I could think of is that this could be the last time we all see him. We all emptied out pockets and took off our shoes. I sent Alex through the metal detector first so that he could be there to catch the younger boys as they went through. Jason had already gone through but had gotten stuck with security because his bag had to be searched. We passed him one by one. I gathered the boys and we carried our shoes to a bench at the other end of the large room. As I was tying the shoes of the younger two boys Jason joined us on the bench carrying his bag and his combat boots. Without a word we all continued to prepare for our inevitable good-bye. I heard a man's voice say to Jason, "Are you heading for combat?" I glanced up as I was knelt down tying the last shoe to see a large man with a very average looking face. Jason replied, "Yes sir." The man reached down to Jason where he sat on the bench with his hand extended. As Jason stood he shook his hand and the man said to him, "Stay safe over there." He walked over to me and I stood up. He shook my hand and said, "Thanks for supporting your husband in his efforts. Take your family for a snack and enjoy these last few minutes together." He was already turning from me to walk away as he released my hand. I looked into my hand and there was a bill. He had already walked into the crowd and disappeared before I could say thank you. I unfolded the bill and when I saw that it was one hundred dollars I was overcome with the feeling that the good Lord over fills my cup. I told Jason what he had given us. We finished getting our shoes on and walked over to the Starbucks on the concord. We sat as a family for the next forty-five minutes and talked about how God has provided. The kids all got a snack and Jason and I got a coffee. There was plenty of money left for Jason to have twenty dollars in his pocket as he traveled and for me to have cash in case of an emergency. God knew what was on my heart and he gave me peace. It was never about the money. It was about knowing that God was there. That he has provided more than we needed and that he was with Jason as he left us. It left me feeling like no matter what the outcome we would be okay. We weren't alone. God has provided angels to show himself to us.

^{Hebrews 1: 7} Regarding the angels, he says, “He sends his angels like the winds, his servants like flames of fire.”...¹⁴ Therefore, angels are only servants—spirits sent to care for people who will inherit salvation.


Fall '08
3 months after deployment
Alex- 10, Nicholas-9, Jackson-7 and Cooper-5



Alone

I have had my next story in my mind and have been praying for over a week that the Lord would give me the words to write. Jason asked recently why I haven't written anything yet and I told him that God had not given me the words yet. This morning the good Lord gave me words to a different story. This one takes me back a ways.

At just seventeen years old, young and scared, I enter the room that I had been living in for a week. Tables and chairs are in the middle of the room as they always are but now several men sit before me. All but one are elders of the congregation. The one that sits at the head of the table is the man who spends his time as both a minister and youth minister of this church. The one that was to take me on the mission trip that summer. I stood with my dear friend who rescued me. She and I both took a seat and the conversation began. First there was my account of how scriptures had been used to justify evil. Twisted and turned into perversion. The excuse he used to make it okay for him to plan a camping trip for just the two of us later that week. Then the most difficult memory that is burned into my mind. It's uncomfortably dark and cold. I sit on the couch where he wraps us both in a blanket and puts his arm around me. I try to control my terror. His wife gets home from work and I am thrilled to have someone come to my rescue but instead with wide eyes she says she is going to bed early. I find my opportunity and jump from the couch saying I too need to go to bed. I then walked back to the church building next door. I go down into the dark basement, past the tables and chairs and into a small room that has nothing but a bed. I lay down on my face and begin to cry and pray. I stayed that way until the early hours of the morning when I couldn't cry anymore and I fell asleep. I awoke a few hours later to the phone ringing. It was my rescue. What I know was my only way out.

I sit in front of these men embarrassed to tell my story of how I didn't scream for help. I wait for their response. They ask the minister for his explanation. He simply explains that I must have taken things the wrong way and that I am confused. The men sit quiet for a few minutes then reply that indeed there must have been a miscommunication. My last statement was not planned. To this day I believe the Holy Spirit guided my words. I said, "If you believe nothing else, believe this. He was swerving when he drove and before the summer is over he will wreck the van." We end the meeting in prayer and I walk out of  that room for the very last time. As I walked to my friends car one of the men asked to talk to me. Wrapping one arm around my shoulder in love he said he really hoped that I could forgive. Then he walked away. I went to church that night. I had done nothing wrong and had nothing to hide. I knew these people, they were my brothers and sisters in Christ. I sat in the front row where the missionaries always sat. I sat alone. Not one person came to sit with me. Not one person came to talk to me. I was thousands of miles from home and I sat completely alone.

I traveled home later that week. It's expected in the church that I speak nothing of what happened. It was never really said, I just knew and I didn't want anything to be construed as gossip or to speak badly about people that I should respect. Not one person from that congregation called to see how I was doing. Not one reached out. I suffered alone in silence. At the end of summer I got a call from a very good friend that had been on the mission trip the year before and had gone again that summer. I never had a chance to tell her what happened or why I wasn't there. She had called to tell me that on their way home he had rolled the van down a ravine. Everyone was okay but the elders have decided not to allow him to work with the teens anymore. He worked there as the pulpit minister for another three years.

PTSD, post traumatic stress disorder. This is what I learned I had nearly fifteen years later. It explained why I was terrified every time I went to church. I shivered and broke out into a cold sweat. Over the years I learned how to control it. No one ever suspected. I have weird triggers, sometimes I don't even know when to expect them. After I set my monster free I was able to bring more of Christ into my heart and get rid of what held my heart captive. I finally began to heal. I know that most won't experience anything to this degree but I can say that many will have hurts. All I can do is hope that there will never be such expected secrecy. I know we don't want gossip but there has to be a way to encourage one another in the name of the Lord. Don't spend one minute allowing a brother or sister in Christ to hurt alone for any reason. Reach out and love each other.

Philippians 2:1-5 Is there any encouragement from belonging to Christ? Any comfort from his love? Any fellowship together in the Spirit? Are your hearts tender and compassionate? Then make me truly happy by agreeing wholeheartedly with each other, loving one another, and working together with one mind and purpose. Don't be selfish; don't try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don't look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had.

Taking A 'Faith' Step

I envision myself standing on a ledge. I must move forward but I can't see what's in front of me. I close my eyes, take a deep breath and step forward. Suddenly there is something below me lifting me up. I take the next step and again I am lifted.

That's faith my friends. Not knowing the future but moving forward to the unknown. At times the step can be made easily, while other times it is more than frightening.

Imagine you step forward. As you foot reaches in front of you, your weight shifts onto your 'faith' step. But you don't immediately feel anything there. You gasp. Your heart stops. A tear wells up. You may even stumble. Then just as suddenly you are caught and lifted back up. You may fall to your knees and pray. Feeling God's presence you stand, ready for the next step. But you don't want to go alone. Reaching forward with both hands like a child you begin to feel for Him. Your fingers out stretched, move slowly back and forth. The tip of your finger brushes past something but before you can grab hold it's gone. Your hands begin to search with more passion. Beating at the air as if it might open up and reveal the one you search for. Again your fingers brush against something. This time you feel the soft warm touch. Your hand stretched in front of you the touch ever so softly runs His warmth from your hand. You feel at peace. You know He is there. Take another step and you will find Him. You take that 'faith' step. Just before you loose footing you are caught again. You are shaken and become unsure. Maybe you should go back to the place where you could see more of the picture. You become shaky and think you could fall. Then you remember the one you search for. You take another step as your courage builds. Just then the ground that lifts you up reaches from below to steady you. You realize the one you search for was the one guiding each step. You step again with more confidence. Your step was solid and without hesitation. You begin to spring forward like a child running through a field. Even though you can't see where you are going you know who is with you. Then your hand brushes past something warm. You reach out and the hand of your Father takes yours. You have arrived. Your journey is not at it's end but you are where you need to be right now. The unknown is gone and you can see a new puzzle piece of your life. With your difficult walk behind you, God will give you rest. This is your time to be nourished by Him. To learn more about your journey that you have walked. It's time to teach others about the dark steps and the one who catches you. Rest my friend. Be in his arms and gain strength. There is a greater journey ahead.

I was a new person when I got to Washington. Strong and pure as the child I had been so many years ago. I had to learn how to read the bible as that child. How to make friends and be a new me. It was a new beginning with a new faith. Our family was stronger, so strong in the faith that of coarse God should lead us to new 'faith' steps. These step were easier than before. It all started with meeting a wonderful family who had adopted two beautiful children. In the five days that we got to know them before they moved to Canada they filled our minds with their excitement for adoption. They told us about the wonderful agency they worked with and the wonderful people that brought such a blessing into their lives. Our hearts weren't ready to make such a journey but God continued to work on our hearts. For me it was hearing so much about adoption on the radio while running errands. Jason was listening to the same radio station to and from work. What I know now is that this is right around the time when Steven Curtis and Mary Beth Chapman started their campaign for adoption. There were interviews being done on the radio and local seminars being announced. It seemed that every where we turned adoption was being mentioned. Then one day while Jason and I were in the car together there was an interview being done about adoption. We began to talk about the fact that we both felt like God was pulling us forward to do this. But we didn't have any extra money. When we got home we both began to pray about it. We spent the next few weeks weeding through emotions and what we feel to be signs from God. In that very moment there was a very clear picture of our beautiful life and all that was behind us. Now we are faced with a cliff. Beyond the cliff there isn't a clear picture of what's to come. The big question was, do we take that 'faith' step into the unknown. If it were God's will for us to adopt He will provide the means to do so. A 'faith' step it will be! We contacted the agency we had heard of and asked to be put on their waiting list because they were not taking new applications. I spoke with Jerry who eventually became our adoption counselor and a very dear friend. He told me that against normal policy (we have too many stinkin kids) they would indeed not just put us on their waiting list but they would take our application. So the process began.

We tirelessly filled out papers about our family and our marriage. We finally finished with the application and much of our paper work for the home study. I will never forget the day I took another 'faith' step and mailed it. I got up early that morning and headed out to the post office. The most precious of packages in my hand. I so carefully made sure every check list had been checked and checked again. I handed it carefully to the postman and in return got my receipt. I drove home with such excitement. Minutes after I got home Jason called. The conversation went much like this. Him, "What are you doing?" Me, "I just mailed the papers and am getting ready to celebrate with some friends." Him, "You should sit down." Me, "Why? Just tell me what you have to say." Him, "I am being deployed for a year to Afghanistan but first I have to go to a school for three months. I leave in just a few months." Me, "Okay, we will have to see what God has planned for us. Maybe that is how God is providing the money for us to adopt." Him, "I was thinking the same thing." With that the conversation was left to be discussed relentlessly and with great anguish for the next several months.

My friend, God has a plan. His will is greater than anything you could imagine. If your life is calm at the moment, take that as time to gain wisdom and strength from God so you may tell others of your journey. If you are in front of a cliff looking into the unknown, take a 'faith' step. God will catch you and guide you to your destination. Trust him! He IS there! When your 'faith' step brings you to tears remember this verse from The Message. Psalm 30:5 "The nights of crying your eyes out give way to days of laughter."

Heavenly Father, give me the wisdom to bring others closer to you . I have been praying to you Father, that my words reflect Your will. I continue to pray Father, that my heart will long for You and that my friends who read this will hear my story at a time in their lives that they will find strength and comfort through You. Lord, continue to bless my family and all who read this. In Jesus name I pray ~ Amen

Setting My Monster Free

I carried him for years. A picture in my shattered heart of fear, sadness and anxiety. It was my monster. I could say I forgive you a million times but my monster wouldn't go away. Every time I entered a church building or a large crowd I felt the shadow of my monster behind me.

I was only sixteen the first time we met. He was my mission directer and a father like mentor. After our incredible mission trip was over he battled a brain tumor. Maybe that is when his monster entered him. The next summer I returned for another trip. It could have been the Holy Spirit pleading with my heart not to go but he needed me to be there. He wasn't prepared for the trip and needed someone to be there that could lead the trip. He needed me.

When I got there I was alone. He had lied. My best friend wouldn't be there for another two weeks along with the other staff. It isn't kidnapping when your family sends you. I couldn't tell, who would believe me? Then there were the lies he told me. It was meant to be. I had to come to terms with that. He spent the week telling me he had great plans for me. I was terrified and alone. I depended on him for my survival. I had to follow him. Then the phone rang. I hadn't talked to anyone I could trust for a week. She told me it was like there was a voice inside of her telling her to call me as she woke up that morning. At first, I didn't trust that this could be my way out. But after some time passed I finally told and just like that I had been saved. I couldn't prove I had been trapped there. He had not yet physically harmed me. He had told me that would take place just two days later. There was no police report.  I told his employers but it wasn't for another several months before they believed me and told him he could no longer work with youth. There was one man that told me that for my sake I needed to forgive him so that I could move on. I believe that deep down they all knew what I had told them was true. It took three years before they finally fired him as their minister. He hasn't officially worked since, although he continues to work at church camps.

Years later I heard stories of Elizabeth Smart, Shawn Hornbeck and more recently Jaycee Dugard. Stockholm Syndrom explains why they could be kept in the open for months or even years all the while they don't cry out for help. How could I be there for a week without asking for help or running away? Maybe it was my fault. I read their stories and it's like reading my own story. My own story that was never fulfilled because I got away.

A piece of his evil had crept into my heart. God tells me I can have peace, comfort and joy and yet, I can't find it. He tells me to trust Him but I struggle. I saw my monster one more time after that at a conference. I froze in fear. I was always waiting for that moment to happen again. Waiting for his return to complete what he had started. Evil separates you from God whether it is your evil or someone who gives you theirs. It creeps into your heart. A monster lurking and waiting. When you talk to God the monster intercepts the message. But God's will is stronger! He has a plan for me and unlike my monster God's plan will be fulfilled!

God had given me scripture over the previous months to prepare me for what is to come. Through Him I am finding a strength I haven't had in fifteen years. He has opened my heart so I could free my monster. My moment has come. He has decided I am ready.

We would be moving from Illinois in a week. I have said goodbye to Christy and Tyla. We were at church for the last Sunday before our move. Jason was at work that day so it was just me and the boys. They were all still little, between the ages eight and two. Class had just ended and I was gathering the boys from their class so we could go to the worship service. I had met Alex and Nicholas in the hall and was on my way to get the younger two. I looked up and as the crowd of people parted I could see my monsters face. Then he was gone. My heart stopped. I couldn't breathe. My eyes searched the crowd for his face. Oh Lord, my kids! I have to get my kids! I gather them up and meet the youth minister in the hall. I asked him who was in his class that morning. My monsters name was said out loud. My heart ached at the sound. They explained that he was there working with a church camp in the area so they let him teach class. I took the boys and sat down for worship. I again searched the faces to find him. I finally found him sitting with a dear friend of mine and her family. How could he creep into my life like that. He is at MY church with MY friends! He has won the hearts of the ones I love. How will they believe my now? After church I went to an elder and asked him if he knew the man that taught the teens that morning. He was surprised at how easily this stranger had gained so much trust that he would be allowed to teach a class. He was even more surprised to hear my story. Again nothing would happen to my monster. There would be no one to come and rescue me. I got ready to leave and was walking the boys to the car when I saw my friend's parents driving away with my monster in the front seat of their car. I called my friend over and asked if she knew him. She called him by name and said he is here visiting and they were taking him to lunch. I left in disbelief of what was happening. I called my best friend who had been on the mission with him for two years. I cried out asking what I was supposed to do. She told me my heart will lead me and that she would hang up and pray. A conversation that lasted less than a minute but changed everything. With that I turned the car around and headed for the restaurant where my monster was at lunch. I pulled myself together with a strength that only God could provide. A hostess met me at the door asking if we needed a table for five. I told her I could see my party. I walked bravely to the table where my monster sat. My kids followed like little ducklings. I stood in front of my monster with my children at my side and my friends who sat with him. My friends were all smiles to see me and asked if we would be joining them for lunch. I said my monsters name out loud and said I was there to see him. He stood to shake my hand. I reached for his and took hold. It was familiar, bringing back memories of the times we had taken hands to pray or sing praises. I looked into his eyes remembering the evil words he put into my heart. I was released from his grip. He sat down. Now it's my turn. "You remember me. I'm okay and I want you to see my boys. I survived and I'm here to tell you that I forgive you." With that said, my monster left my heart. I was filled with instant comfort, peace and joy. Then I left. I cried with joy all the way home. My kids asked who that was and I simply told them, "he is nobody to me." He was just a man that gave me evil but I let it go. I no longer live in fear of my monster. I have seen him face to face and have been healed, my heart no longer shattered. I have been given freedom, I am no longer my monsters prisoner. I now live in the light. I'm FREE! Praise God for preparing me for his good will!

Isaiah 61:1 He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners,

Puzzle Pieces

In the middle of the night I held in my arms a very good friend. Her heart was shattered after delivering her stillborn baby and there were no words that could comfort her. We prayed together, at times allowing the Holy Spirit to interpret through our tears and groans. She couldn't understand how she could become pregnant so easily and deliver three healthy children and then all of a sudden with no reason she can't carry a baby past twenty weeks. I couldn't give her a good answer. I drove home with my heart broken for her. At this time I was still waiting to adopt Tyla but knew in my heart that it probably wouldn't happen. I had already poured over verses about God's love, peace and comfort. I had also recently come across a verse that screamed at me to know and understand it. Isaiah 61:1 He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners. Jesus is the great physician, the one who set me free.

The next morning I read over the scriptures in Job. It was the only place I could imagine there would be answers. My dear friend had done nothing wrong. She was a wonderful, faithful woman who had been afflicted. Much like Job she wanted to know why. In verses 38-42 God and Job have a conversation. I have always imagined my conversation between God and I would go much differently. Now I am not so sure that I am ready for such a conversation. Job questions God and God replies out of a storm. He starts by asking where Job was during creation when the earth was formed and boundaries were set. Was he there to count the months before the mountain goats give birth to their fawn. Could he bring forth the lightening bolts and rain? Does he give wisdom to the heart and knowledge to the mind? Does the hawk take flight by his wisdom and soar at his command? Job replies that God can do all things and His plan cannot be stopped.

While there is devastation around me there is comfort in knowing that I am not the one in control. I do not know what is best for me or anyone else. God knows the future of my dear friend and will provide for her what she needs and the life He wants for her. God will provide the same thing for Christy and her family. He knows Tyla's future and He will put her exactly where she needs to be. This moment in time is only a puzzle piece in time. With the help from God I can put together the pieces of my past to see a picture that becomes a little more clear everyday. As for my future, those puzzle pieces are in God's hands. I will trust that he will give them to me when I am ready.

Under Seige

Okay Friends, I am under seige! Jason has a ring that was given to him from a very good friend. It is thick silver with a hollowed out sword that shows the flesh of his finger. Within the sword is a circle and within the circle are twelve dots. The sword represents spiritual warfare. If you wear your ring with the sword pointing away from you, you are strong and ready for battle. If it points toward you, you are under attack. The dots represent the twelve of Jesus' friend that stood beside him. His closest friends. A reminder that you are not alone in your spiritual battle and you should draw spiritual strength from your closest friends.

So here I stand! The sword at my heart pointed so close I can feel it's pressure. Sometimes life is just plain hard. Usually difficulties come and go, only lasting a few days or weeks. I have been strong. I have stayed in the faith and will continue to do so. Verses ring loud in my heart. God is my provider and comforter. God with give me strength and peace. God will heal my brokeness.

Lately it feels like it has been one thing after another. Mostly little things. Isn't that how things usually go? The little things get to you faster than anything and then when they multiply the stress begins to put fractures in your life. Then the big blow! Satan swoops in to crush you. He has found I have learned to endure. Satan has had to work harder on me. Get behind me Satan! I WILL find strength, comfort, and peace from the One who provides it to me!

My friends feel so far from me. I have kids to teach and papers to grade. A budget to keep and a house to clean. The military calls my family to sacrifice. There are documents to complete, file and mail off. Doctors appointments to make and attend. Most of these things are the usual daily tasks but they have screamed out to me over the last few weeks, "Attend to me NOW!" Then the crushing blow. A congregation is torn apart. Hearts are broken. Lives changed forever. It can't be undone. That's how satan works. He stresses your life and then he hits. So stand together my friends! Build your army! Pray, pray, pray! Turn the sword from your chest and fight for what you know is true. Fight through the stess and when satan gives you a blow that knocks you down. Get up and fight! Fall on your knees and pray! Build your army of friends. The seige can be fought and won!

Blue Skies and Rain

Over the past few days I have spent time thinking about how God has blessed me through my struggles. I have thought a great deal about the verses about God providing me with strength, comfort and peace right now. Yet I stumble into a day like yesterday and everything falls apart. It started a week ago when my two year old daughter Faith came to me saying "I eat the money." My ten year old son told me that there had been a penny on the floor but now it's gone. I asked Faith where she put the money and she replied, "In my mouf." I told her to show me where the penny was and she smiled, opened wide and with her chubby little finger she pointed into her mouth. So we waited for the penny. After a week with no sign of a penny I made an appointment with her pediatrician. It was difficult getting up for an early morning appointment because the night before we had spent the evening having family time at the ocean. I crawled out of bed and got myself ready, packed up everything I needed and then gingerly tip toed into Faith's room praying she awakes in a good mood. She picked her head up and smiled and I let out a sigh of relief. Then the demands of the morning began. I told her we had to go to the doctor to find the penny that she ate. She said, "No! I lost it!" I began to feel regret that I made the appointment. I questioned her, "Where did you loose it?" Pointing to the inside of her mouth she replied, "In my mouf." Pulling her pajama's off and taking a deep breath I told her we have to go find the penny that she lost in her mouth. Once Faith was ready we headed to the car leaving the sleepy boys to fend for themselves. We hopped onto the interstate and began our thirty minute drive to the base. Our music on the radio was interrupted with warnings that there had been an accident on the interstate closing both directions at the exit we use to get to the base. Then they continued telling about another accident that closed the exit that would have been my next option to go around to the other gate of the base. Well now what! My mind raced with maps in my head of different roads I had been on. There was only one road left that I could think of. Within a few miles I rounded a corner and there it was, all three lanes at a complete stop! My last option of getting to the base was blocked with traffic. I could see the over pass I would have used was blocked as well. At the last minute, not wanting to sit for the next several hours in traffic I swerved and exited at an exit I had only taken once before. All I could think is, "what have I just done? I have no idea where I am." Again maps began to surge through my mind. There was one road that I had never taken before that I thought would take me toward the base. Then I saw it. At least I thought I saw it. There were several cars turning there and I thought, "well, I guess I will follow those guys". So off I went. I followed the cars in front of me through several turns and without a bit of traffic ended up on base for the doctors appointment on time! I climb out of the car with my purse, the diaper bag and Faith who refused to walk because she has an owie on her foot. I pulled myself together and walked through the front door only to find two uniformed airmen that want to search my bag and check my ID. I stumbled and nearly dropped everything when I finally tossed the bag to the surprised women and said, "Here, why don't you hold it while you check it and I'll get my ID." I made it past the check point and headed to the pediatricians office. When I get there I introduce Faith and held out my ID for them to check. Without looking up two women sitting behind computers began to ask me questions. I am still not sure which one of them checked me in. I tucked my ID away and headed to the waiting room to fill out the paper work. Before I could get started the doctor came in and told me to head over to x-ray. I gathered everything up again and headed down the hall. I got checked in and hadn't even sat down when an airmen called out for Faith. He asked for my ID which I began to dig for. It wasn't there. Poof! It was gone. I used my son Alex's ID and my drivers licence to prove who I was. He graciously took the x-ray which showed she had already passed the penny. I left there and headed straight for Jason's office. I dumped my purse and diaper bag on the front seat of the car. I wasn't surprised to find that it still wasn't there and now my seat was filled with old Cheerios. I headed into the office to tell of my disappearing ID. Jason was wonderful about the whole thing. We headed over to get a letter from someone in the office saying it was confirmed lost and stating I needed a new one. Then headed to another office where I was issued a brand new ID. I was still pretty frazzled so Jason took me to lunch so I could chill out. I was able to avoid traffic while heading home because they had opened one side of the interstate. I dropped Faith off at home and headed to my physical therapy appointment. I was so tired and really didn't want to go. But I know that I need to get stronger and I can't give up. So I got back in the car and drove the same route I had earlier even though it took me way out of the way. I made it to my appointment and I got into the pool to do my exercises. Everything hurt after an hour of working out. I headed home in thick traffic and felt completely defeated. What a horrible day! Why can't anything go right? The day isn't even over. Now I have to go home in this exhausted state and feed five kids dinner and take them to church. How will I survive this? As I got onto the interstate it began to rain. Even though it was just a little rain it couldn't be described as a sprinkle. The drops were big and full as they hit the car like rocks. Then the rain came faster and heavier crashing down onto the car. I leaned forward and looked out of the windshield. I looked up and saw the most amazing blue sky. Yep the sky was completely blue with only a few little, fluffy white clouds off to the side. That's God for you. Even in the rain He shines. He brought me back to reality. The reality that when I feel lousy and I have been pelted with life's little annoyances all day He still shines in my life. If I look for Him, He's there. He will reveal himself at the most amazing times and sometimes it's when it is when you don't expect it. In the business of life and bad days remember that the sun can shine even when it rains!