I was at a youth event tonight which was encouraging, uplifting and amazing. However, while I sat in a room with over seven thousand people it wasn't the feeling of greatness that overwhelmed me, it was the feeling of loneliness. I searched the faces around me as I always do in large crowds, after all I learned the hard way that I don't enjoy the element of surprise. My monster is still out there and the only possible place for me to see him is surrounded by people who have come together to draw near to God. Hours later I sit in a small dark room filled with teens and their chaperons. I wasn't afraid for I know who is here. All the faces are familiar to me. As we begin to sing praises to our Lord my eyes close and for the first time in 19 years I hear something that I long for. The room is filled with happy, confident teenage voices. The kind of voices I should have heard all those years ago. With my eyes closed I hang my head and listen. I am 17 years old all over again. I had expected to meet old friends and new ones as I arrived at the first location of my mission trip but instead it is just him. I expected to spend the first week of my travels immersed in God's word half the time and filling the air with His praises the other half as I had the year before. To my horror the only bible verses I hear are twisted and mangled to confuse me and to destroy my ability to know truth and reality. The rest of the time, there is no singing, just silence, the sheer agony of silence. Tonight I replace my silence with the sound of praise and I arrive a little closer to healing. I never imagined the terror I lived in captivity that week could possibly creep so deep into my soul. That the silence and loneliness could hold me prisoner even 19 years later. You can't imagine the loneliness I feel while with crowds of people. Or do you? More importantly do you feel your heart melt when you are with our Father. Overcome by his love and mercies. Does your loneliness cower away in His presence? I long for the day when I run into His arms and my loneliness is gone forever.
Isaiah 61:1 He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted and to proclaim that the captives will be released and prisoners will be freed.
I wrote this on Friday night but I didn't feel ready to share it. I thought maybe it was too raw and personal but now I think it's because the story wasn't finished. Saturday I spent the day with my group of teens and the other chaperons and had a wonderful time. Most of the time I handled my PTSD very well. While I never could get the trembling to go completely away I never really felt overwhelmed by it either. It was just a few years ago that every time I walked into a church building I broke out into a sweat, trembled and had to hold back the need to vomit. God has blessed me with a great deal of healing over the years and now I rarely feel that way. However, this was the first teen event that I have been to since I was 17. At one point in the afternoon we were all heading to lunch and we decided to walk past the booths in the hallway of the convention center. It was all so exciting for me to watch the girls look over all the booths that were being represented by Christian colleges. Going to a university was never an option for me let alone a private Christian school. I so enjoyed watching the girls glance at the schools with an attitude of "I can go any where and do anything I choose". Their futures are all so bright. I had been watching them fill out forms and get memorabilia in exchange when I glanced up and saw a booth that supports women who had suffered the effects of sex trafficking. I walked over to the booth and began to look at what they were selling. A friend walked up beside me and began to look as well. I said that I would buy a red bracelet and then she spoke up and said she wanted one too. She didn't know my story or what it meant to me but it felt good even if it were for a brief moment to feel like I wasn't alone. I asked if this organization supported anyone in the states and they told me everything was in support of women from other countries. I will never understand why we don't do more for the hundreds of thousands of women that are abused in this country.
That night as we sat in the convention center my friend and I became concerned about someone who we couldn't find. The incident was quickly resolved with a simple text and the night went on. Then again on Sunday morning my friend with the red bracelet became concerned when there had been a miscommunication and she could not locate a teen. Again the teen was located and the morning went on. For everyone else that is. My friend was so upset that she felt she needed a little space to calm down. We spoke for a little while and she said things like, "I'm just not cut out for this. This is just more than I can handle. It's just too hard." Worship began and it was absolutely beautiful. I have to say that it was a little ironic or should I say divine power that Mike Cope was the speaker for the morning and he had been a speaker at several events that I had gone to in my early teen years. I prayed for healing for us both and I prayed that the Lord would transform me to a new person without all the pain and loneliness. When worship was over my friend who was visibly still upset stood up and said, "let's go." I stopped her and asked her to sit back down with me. I needed to share something with her. My mind was clear and at peace in a way that it had not been all weekend. I said, "19 years ago I was taken by a minister and kept for a week. Only one person looked for me and it wasn't my mom or dad. I know why you came this weekend. It's because you see the bright, beautiful future of these teens. I also know why you were brought to tears. It's because you can see the possibilities of what can go wrong. It only takes one person to go looking for someone who is lost and they can save a life. It hurts but it's so important." With that said we started our walk back to the bus, she had been renewed and my healing continued. I learned something about myself in that moment. It has always hurt that my parents weren't there for me when I needed them and I have always been so thankful for the one who found me. But what I have never been able to do is to put into words why I am so passionate to get involved with teens and birth mothers. Now I can. It took one person who I had known for only one week the year before to wonder where I was and come looking for me. She cared for me. When I came home from what was supposed to be a mission trip I returned to church terrified that people would ask about what happened and even more terrified they wouldn't believe me. I lasted a whole 15 minutes in the church building my first day back. I raced out of there like the building was on fire. I went home and swore I was never going back. One woman came after me. She had mentored me for 2 years at my home congregation and on that morning when she saw me leave she came looking for me. She cared about me. Loving someone can lead to all kinds of hurt but it can change some one's life. I believe that one of those women saved my life and the other saved my soul. I have to share the love that has been given to me. The kind of love that they gave because God first gave it to them. God knows better than anyone how much love can hurt.
John 3:16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.
Thank you my friend with the red bracelet for being passionate and loving so much that it hurts. Thank you for just being you.
