I'm Taking Her Baby

After the c-section Victoria was taken back to her room and Faith was taken to the nursery. A nurse came in and said that Faith could have two visitors so Victoria's mom and I both went to see her. We spent wonderful time talking about how incredible this tiny baby is and I took pictures as she changed her first diaper. Then she decided to go and give someone else a turn to see her. One by one each family member came in and I was able to get pictures of them gazing at Faith. You could see the bitter sweet expression on their faces. Faith will forever see the love they have for her as she looks through the pictures I took. After Jerry and all her family had a chance to see her I was able to give my baby girl her first bath. I didn't get the chance to give the boys their first bath so this was a really special time for me. I loved every minute that I had with her. When I was done I swaddled her and left her to rest while I went to check on Victoria. I sat with her and told her how beautiful Faith was and what a wonderful job she had done. She was so anxious to see her that it seemed like forever before the nurse finally brought her in.

Saturday, March 7th

I took pictures as Victoria held her daughter in her arms for the very first time. She was all smiles at how wonderful she is. We all took turns holding her and taking pictures. Then Victoria held her again. This time looking at her more intently. I watched closely as she unswaddled her baby and inspected each and everyone of her fingers then moved onto her toes. She touched her daughter so softly across her cheek, forehead and hair. All the same places I had just washed my daughter clean while in the nursery. It all seemed a little much for me to take in all in one day so I decided to let Victoria have some time alone with Faith and I headed back to Linda and Marvin's to get some rest.

Sunday, March 8th

On Sunday I went to church with Linda and Marvin and told everyone about the most wonderful baby that was born the day before. Marvin had printed several pictures into an 8 x 10 print. Those pictures couldn't be big enough for that proud Papa! After church I went to the hospital to see Victoria and Faith. She was more somber and quiet and her eyes were puffy and red from crying. She stared at Faith in an attempt to burn her image to memory. Every touch had such purpose. She said, "I just want her to know how much I love her." Jerry was at the hospital that day along with Victoria's mom, grandma and great grandma. We all spent time talking but Victoria's presence and emotional state were on the fore front of every one's mind. We sometimes just sat and watched her quietly as she bonded with Faith. A little later I left and went shopping for a few gifts for Victoria. I went to Toys R Us to get her a teddy bear and then I went next door to the Christian book store to find something a little more personable. I had also brought from Washington a pewter gift set that included a case for Faith's first tooth, another case for her first piece of cut hair and a scroll encasing for her birth certificate. After shopping I went back to the hospital. Victoria was crying uncontrollably. Her mom said she was having a hard time. I sat down and awkwardly watched her cry. She motioned for me to take Faith. I told her that was okay, I didn't need to hold her right then. She told me to go ahead and hold her. I walked over and took Faith from her arms. I sat back down in my chair with Faith in my hands over my lap. I sat and looked her over. She looked so much like Victoria. I began to wonder if I could ever look at her without seeing Victoria's face. The room was no longer a happy place to be. Everyone was crying and trying to console Victoria. But there was no consoling a women who was giving away her baby. When I drove back to Marvin and Linda's that night I did everything I could to hold myself together. When I got home I climbed into bed with my phone in my hands. I wished so much that I could call Jason in Afghanistan. With the time difference everyone I knew was already asleep but I couldn't stand to be alone. I dialed my mom and when she answered the phone with a sleepy, "hi honey", I broke down and sobbed. When she heard my cries she said, "oh no, did she change her mind?" With the only words I could form in my mouth I responded, "no, I'm taking her baby." My mom just listened to me cry for a little while and when I could finally talk again I told her I could hardly stand it. She loves her so much and I am taking her. I know that she is making the right decision for both of them but I felt like I was ripping a family apart. I felt like the enemy. My mom did her best to listen and console me. I knew there was nothing that could make me stop crying so I hung up the phone and cried myself to sleep.

Monday, March 9th

On Monday I pulled myself together and went to see Victoria and Faith. When I walked into the hospital room Victoria was still crying. Her milk had come in and she couldn't nurse. We both knew it would happen but neither of us was prepared for the emotional toll it would put on her. I could tell she had been crying for a very long time. Several of the women that run the Arbor House were there visiting her and taking turns holding Faith. I gave Victoria a long hug. She wiped her eyes and said she just couldn't stop crying. She assured me she hadn't changed her mind but that she didn't know it would be so hard. Her mom told me she had been crying all night. She laid on her back with Faith on her chest and just cried. She was afraid to go to sleep because she didn't want to miss a single moment that she could be with her. After visiting for a little bit Victoria asked me if I would walk with her. As we walked down the hallways of the hospital we talked about some of the things we had agreed on while we were walking just days before on our nature walk. I would send her pictures every month for the first three months and I would always tell Faith how much Victoria loved her and wanted what was best for her. She walked with me now afraid that when I left the hospital with Faith that I would just disappear. She asked me if I really meant all that I said about staying in touch with her. I told her I would never just take Faith away and that Faith would always know how special Victoria is. She stopped and looked into my eyes, crying almost uncontrollably she said, "please don't take her from me and never let me know how she is. I don't think I could stand it if you did." I hugged her and reassured her that I had made a promise to her and I would keep it. We walked back to the room where she crawled back in bed, put Faith back on her chest and continued to cry. I hugged her again and told her that I was going out for a while but that I would be back with her gifts for her. After I left Jerry called me and said that Victoria asked that when I bring back the gifts that I not stay. She couldn't stand to have me in the room anymore. My heart was crushed. I felt like I had just lost a friend.

Genesis 31:49
"The Lord Watch between me and thee, when we are absent one from another"

I went back to Marvin and Linda's house and gathered the gifts. I was so sad that I was almost numb inside. I walked through the hospital and to the door of her room. I stood there for a moment and listened to Victoria cry. When I walked in the room got quiet. I gave her a hug and sat beside her on the bed. She wanted me to start with a gift from her. I opened a box and pulled out a snow globe. Inside was a little girl on her knees and her hands were clasp together in prayer. On the front was a plaque that read, "Faith, From the Loving Hands of Victoria. 2009" The globe played the song "Over the Rainbow". Victoria said it was her favorite song. I teared up and told her it was mine too. I reached out handing her a gift bag. She pulled out the pewter gift set. He puffy eyes teared up as I explained that I would send her Faith's first hair cut and lost tooth. It was a promise that I wouldn't loose touch with her. Next she pulled out a bible. She told me earlier that week that she had one but since she is in the shelter she doesn't have access to it. I also gave her a journal that has questions in it about her life. I told her that I wanted her to work on filling it out over the next several years and when Faith is old enough I would like for Victoria to give it to her as a gift. She promised me she would. I reached down and picked up another bag and handed it to Victoria. She pulled out two matching bears. She looked a little bit confused so I explained, "I have one bear for you and one that I will keep with Faith. Look at the necklace around the bear's neck." Victoria reached out and picked up the necklace on one bear and saw a broken pendant. Then reached out and found the second half of the pendant on the other bear. She gasped and began to cry harder. Then I explained the meaning of the pendant. It reads from Genesis 31:49 "The LORD watch between me and thee, when we are absent one from another." I told her that I will keep Faith's bear on her bed always and that someday the bears will be together and the pendant will be whole again. So as she holds her bear she can imagine Faith sleeping with hers. Victoria cried so hard she couldn't speak. Her mom helped her to write out the words on the pendant onto another piece of paper so she wouldn't forget what it reads.We hugged for a long time and told each other how much we loved each other. I gave Faith a kiss on her head to say goodbye and then I left. I went back to Marvin and Linda's house and talked to Linda for hours about all that had gone on that week. God gave me such a blessing when he picked Linda to be with me that week. I really don't know if I could have gotten through all of this alone.

Faith Elizabeth

Tuesday, March 10th

I got up Tuesday morning and ate breakfast with Marvin and Linda as I had every morning since I had been there. But today was different. Today I was waiting for the call that I could pick up my baby. Victoria had said her goodbye to me the day before and didn't want me at the hospital at all until she was gone. So I waited. Jerry called shortly after breakfast and told me that Victoria would be released form the hospital around noon. She would sign the papers to relinquish her rights as Faith's mother at that time. Jerry was going to be there with her all morning to support her along with her family. Her aunt had a gift for me and asked if I would meet her in the hospital lobby before Victoria was to go home. I felt things that I really didn't expect that day. My good friend was hurting and I not only couldn't be there for her but in some ways I felt responsible for her pain. I wanted to be with her family who I had come to know and consider to be my own family. I was scared that she would change her mind at the last minute and I wanted desperately to hold my little girl in my arms. I drove to the hospital  and parked the car. I looked up at the hospital thinking about how my little girl was upstairs and I couldn't go to her. I sat in the lobby and waited for Victoria's aunt. When she walked in I could tell that she had been crying. I gave her a big hug and then we sat together on the couch. I opened the present that she gave me. Inside a tiny pouch was a pendant with a cross on the front. On the back it read "We will always cherish your love". It meant so much to me to know that they knew how much I loved them all. I held her for a few moments as she cried. We stood up and said goodbye. I watched as she went towards Victoria, then I went in the other direction towards the car. I left there and went to Starbucks. I ordered a coffee and sat outside where I could see the hospital. Everything felt so surreal as I sat and watched people around me going about their lives in such a normal way. As I sat anxiously waiting for Victoria to sign papers stating that she no longer had the rights to parent my baby girl. I stared at my phone willing for it to ring. It finally did, she had signed and was gone. Faith was at the hospital waiting for me and I was to go to the room where Victoria had spent the last three days. I couldn't get there fast enough. My baby was waiting for me and I needed to be there now! I walked in the room and Jerry was holding her. He handed her to me and we sat down and began signing papers. Jerry left the room and I changed Faith's clothes out of the outfit Victoria had put her in and into her going home outfit that I had bought for her (I finally got to remove the tags). When Jerry came back in he took a few pictures of me with my daughter.

Going HOME

I put Faith in her car seat and we headed back to Linda and Marvin's. When we got home Faith was restless and fussy. I bathed her in the sink and she quieted down and napped for a short time but when she woke  a little while later she was fussy and restless again. We made it through the day and then got ready for bed. She didn't want to lay down and it was getting late. I was missing Victoria and was sad that I knew she was hurting. It had been a long and emotional day and in the quiet of the night I couldn't avoid my emotions any longer. I laid on my back and put Faith on my chest just as Victoria had done with her for the past three days. As Faith lay on my chest she finally quieted down. Tears ran down my cheek and I whispered to her. "I am so sorry. I miss her, too." With that said we both fell asleep grieving the loss of one relationship and beginning a new one together.

Jeremiah 29:11

 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.