I'm Taking Her Baby

After the c-section Victoria was taken back to her room and Faith was taken to the nursery. A nurse came in and said that Faith could have two visitors so Victoria's mom and I both went to see her. We spent wonderful time talking about how incredible this tiny baby is and I took pictures as she changed her first diaper. Then she decided to go and give someone else a turn to see her. One by one each family member came in and I was able to get pictures of them gazing at Faith. You could see the bitter sweet expression on their faces. Faith will forever see the love they have for her as she looks through the pictures I took. After Jerry and all her family had a chance to see her I was able to give my baby girl her first bath. I didn't get the chance to give the boys their first bath so this was a really special time for me. I loved every minute that I had with her. When I was done I swaddled her and left her to rest while I went to check on Victoria. I sat with her and told her how beautiful Faith was and what a wonderful job she had done. She was so anxious to see her that it seemed like forever before the nurse finally brought her in.

Saturday, March 7th

I took pictures as Victoria held her daughter in her arms for the very first time. She was all smiles at how wonderful she is. We all took turns holding her and taking pictures. Then Victoria held her again. This time looking at her more intently. I watched closely as she unswaddled her baby and inspected each and everyone of her fingers then moved onto her toes. She touched her daughter so softly across her cheek, forehead and hair. All the same places I had just washed my daughter clean while in the nursery. It all seemed a little much for me to take in all in one day so I decided to let Victoria have some time alone with Faith and I headed back to Linda and Marvin's to get some rest.

Sunday, March 8th

On Sunday I went to church with Linda and Marvin and told everyone about the most wonderful baby that was born the day before. Marvin had printed several pictures into an 8 x 10 print. Those pictures couldn't be big enough for that proud Papa! After church I went to the hospital to see Victoria and Faith. She was more somber and quiet and her eyes were puffy and red from crying. She stared at Faith in an attempt to burn her image to memory. Every touch had such purpose. She said, "I just want her to know how much I love her." Jerry was at the hospital that day along with Victoria's mom, grandma and great grandma. We all spent time talking but Victoria's presence and emotional state were on the fore front of every one's mind. We sometimes just sat and watched her quietly as she bonded with Faith. A little later I left and went shopping for a few gifts for Victoria. I went to Toys R Us to get her a teddy bear and then I went next door to the Christian book store to find something a little more personable. I had also brought from Washington a pewter gift set that included a case for Faith's first tooth, another case for her first piece of cut hair and a scroll encasing for her birth certificate. After shopping I went back to the hospital. Victoria was crying uncontrollably. Her mom said she was having a hard time. I sat down and awkwardly watched her cry. She motioned for me to take Faith. I told her that was okay, I didn't need to hold her right then. She told me to go ahead and hold her. I walked over and took Faith from her arms. I sat back down in my chair with Faith in my hands over my lap. I sat and looked her over. She looked so much like Victoria. I began to wonder if I could ever look at her without seeing Victoria's face. The room was no longer a happy place to be. Everyone was crying and trying to console Victoria. But there was no consoling a women who was giving away her baby. When I drove back to Marvin and Linda's that night I did everything I could to hold myself together. When I got home I climbed into bed with my phone in my hands. I wished so much that I could call Jason in Afghanistan. With the time difference everyone I knew was already asleep but I couldn't stand to be alone. I dialed my mom and when she answered the phone with a sleepy, "hi honey", I broke down and sobbed. When she heard my cries she said, "oh no, did she change her mind?" With the only words I could form in my mouth I responded, "no, I'm taking her baby." My mom just listened to me cry for a little while and when I could finally talk again I told her I could hardly stand it. She loves her so much and I am taking her. I know that she is making the right decision for both of them but I felt like I was ripping a family apart. I felt like the enemy. My mom did her best to listen and console me. I knew there was nothing that could make me stop crying so I hung up the phone and cried myself to sleep.

Monday, March 9th

On Monday I pulled myself together and went to see Victoria and Faith. When I walked into the hospital room Victoria was still crying. Her milk had come in and she couldn't nurse. We both knew it would happen but neither of us was prepared for the emotional toll it would put on her. I could tell she had been crying for a very long time. Several of the women that run the Arbor House were there visiting her and taking turns holding Faith. I gave Victoria a long hug. She wiped her eyes and said she just couldn't stop crying. She assured me she hadn't changed her mind but that she didn't know it would be so hard. Her mom told me she had been crying all night. She laid on her back with Faith on her chest and just cried. She was afraid to go to sleep because she didn't want to miss a single moment that she could be with her. After visiting for a little bit Victoria asked me if I would walk with her. As we walked down the hallways of the hospital we talked about some of the things we had agreed on while we were walking just days before on our nature walk. I would send her pictures every month for the first three months and I would always tell Faith how much Victoria loved her and wanted what was best for her. She walked with me now afraid that when I left the hospital with Faith that I would just disappear. She asked me if I really meant all that I said about staying in touch with her. I told her I would never just take Faith away and that Faith would always know how special Victoria is. She stopped and looked into my eyes, crying almost uncontrollably she said, "please don't take her from me and never let me know how she is. I don't think I could stand it if you did." I hugged her and reassured her that I had made a promise to her and I would keep it. We walked back to the room where she crawled back in bed, put Faith back on her chest and continued to cry. I hugged her again and told her that I was going out for a while but that I would be back with her gifts for her. After I left Jerry called me and said that Victoria asked that when I bring back the gifts that I not stay. She couldn't stand to have me in the room anymore. My heart was crushed. I felt like I had just lost a friend.

Genesis 31:49
"The Lord Watch between me and thee, when we are absent one from another"

I went back to Marvin and Linda's house and gathered the gifts. I was so sad that I was almost numb inside. I walked through the hospital and to the door of her room. I stood there for a moment and listened to Victoria cry. When I walked in the room got quiet. I gave her a hug and sat beside her on the bed. She wanted me to start with a gift from her. I opened a box and pulled out a snow globe. Inside was a little girl on her knees and her hands were clasp together in prayer. On the front was a plaque that read, "Faith, From the Loving Hands of Victoria. 2009" The globe played the song "Over the Rainbow". Victoria said it was her favorite song. I teared up and told her it was mine too. I reached out handing her a gift bag. She pulled out the pewter gift set. He puffy eyes teared up as I explained that I would send her Faith's first hair cut and lost tooth. It was a promise that I wouldn't loose touch with her. Next she pulled out a bible. She told me earlier that week that she had one but since she is in the shelter she doesn't have access to it. I also gave her a journal that has questions in it about her life. I told her that I wanted her to work on filling it out over the next several years and when Faith is old enough I would like for Victoria to give it to her as a gift. She promised me she would. I reached down and picked up another bag and handed it to Victoria. She pulled out two matching bears. She looked a little bit confused so I explained, "I have one bear for you and one that I will keep with Faith. Look at the necklace around the bear's neck." Victoria reached out and picked up the necklace on one bear and saw a broken pendant. Then reached out and found the second half of the pendant on the other bear. She gasped and began to cry harder. Then I explained the meaning of the pendant. It reads from Genesis 31:49 "The LORD watch between me and thee, when we are absent one from another." I told her that I will keep Faith's bear on her bed always and that someday the bears will be together and the pendant will be whole again. So as she holds her bear she can imagine Faith sleeping with hers. Victoria cried so hard she couldn't speak. Her mom helped her to write out the words on the pendant onto another piece of paper so she wouldn't forget what it reads.We hugged for a long time and told each other how much we loved each other. I gave Faith a kiss on her head to say goodbye and then I left. I went back to Marvin and Linda's house and talked to Linda for hours about all that had gone on that week. God gave me such a blessing when he picked Linda to be with me that week. I really don't know if I could have gotten through all of this alone.

Faith Elizabeth

Tuesday, March 10th

I got up Tuesday morning and ate breakfast with Marvin and Linda as I had every morning since I had been there. But today was different. Today I was waiting for the call that I could pick up my baby. Victoria had said her goodbye to me the day before and didn't want me at the hospital at all until she was gone. So I waited. Jerry called shortly after breakfast and told me that Victoria would be released form the hospital around noon. She would sign the papers to relinquish her rights as Faith's mother at that time. Jerry was going to be there with her all morning to support her along with her family. Her aunt had a gift for me and asked if I would meet her in the hospital lobby before Victoria was to go home. I felt things that I really didn't expect that day. My good friend was hurting and I not only couldn't be there for her but in some ways I felt responsible for her pain. I wanted to be with her family who I had come to know and consider to be my own family. I was scared that she would change her mind at the last minute and I wanted desperately to hold my little girl in my arms. I drove to the hospital  and parked the car. I looked up at the hospital thinking about how my little girl was upstairs and I couldn't go to her. I sat in the lobby and waited for Victoria's aunt. When she walked in I could tell that she had been crying. I gave her a big hug and then we sat together on the couch. I opened the present that she gave me. Inside a tiny pouch was a pendant with a cross on the front. On the back it read "We will always cherish your love". It meant so much to me to know that they knew how much I loved them all. I held her for a few moments as she cried. We stood up and said goodbye. I watched as she went towards Victoria, then I went in the other direction towards the car. I left there and went to Starbucks. I ordered a coffee and sat outside where I could see the hospital. Everything felt so surreal as I sat and watched people around me going about their lives in such a normal way. As I sat anxiously waiting for Victoria to sign papers stating that she no longer had the rights to parent my baby girl. I stared at my phone willing for it to ring. It finally did, she had signed and was gone. Faith was at the hospital waiting for me and I was to go to the room where Victoria had spent the last three days. I couldn't get there fast enough. My baby was waiting for me and I needed to be there now! I walked in the room and Jerry was holding her. He handed her to me and we sat down and began signing papers. Jerry left the room and I changed Faith's clothes out of the outfit Victoria had put her in and into her going home outfit that I had bought for her (I finally got to remove the tags). When Jerry came back in he took a few pictures of me with my daughter.

Going HOME

I put Faith in her car seat and we headed back to Linda and Marvin's. When we got home Faith was restless and fussy. I bathed her in the sink and she quieted down and napped for a short time but when she woke  a little while later she was fussy and restless again. We made it through the day and then got ready for bed. She didn't want to lay down and it was getting late. I was missing Victoria and was sad that I knew she was hurting. It had been a long and emotional day and in the quiet of the night I couldn't avoid my emotions any longer. I laid on my back and put Faith on my chest just as Victoria had done with her for the past three days. As Faith lay on my chest she finally quieted down. Tears ran down my cheek and I whispered to her. "I am so sorry. I miss her, too." With that said we both fell asleep grieving the loss of one relationship and beginning a new one together.

Jeremiah 29:11

 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

My Friend, the Birth Mom

After I got to Gainesville, Florida Linda drove me back to her house. I got to bed around 2 AM and had set my alarm for 7:30 AM in hopes that I would be able to go to Victoria's doctors appointment with her at 9 AM. Nine o'clock came and went with no word from her. I waited without any word from her or Jerry for most of the day. I spent my time getting to know Marvin and Linda and telling them about our family. I was so disappointed that I missed the appointment. She was having an ultrasound and I desperately wanted to see the baby. I was beginning to think that she had changed her mind and I had come all that way for nothing. That evening Jerry called and said that she had been overwhelmed with the idea of meeting me. We set a time for Saturday for us to meet at Arbor House which is a home for homeless mothers and pregnant women.

Saturday morning I met Jerry at the Christian Family Services office. As we drove to the Arbor House we talked about the agency and our families. Once we got there I nervously stepped out of the car. This was going to be the very first time that I am meeting the woman who carries in her belly "my baby". This is some what of a terrifying thought. We knocked on the door and it seemed like forever before it was opened. A young woman stood before me. Her eyes shined and her smile was beautiful. We all walked into the room and sat at a small desk that was cluttered with papers. Victoria and I sat on one side and Jerry sat on the other. Awkwardly I began to talk to her about how she was doing. The conversation didn't last long. We exchanged phone numbers and then Jerry and I left. I felt better now that I had met Victoria but there was still so much unknown about her and how we were going to build a relationship. Later that evening I called Victoria and asked her if she would like to go to church with me in the morning. She said she would like that very much. It was a short phone call, just long enough to exchange details about times and locations.



Victoria



Sunday morning I picked Victoria up at the Arbor House and we drove to church just in time for bible class. I picked Linda out of the crowd and we shuffled into the pew together. After bible class there was a short break before worship started. Someone came and greeted me with all smiles and hugs saying, "you must be Heather, the one that came to adopt the baby" and that's when I realized I was needing to make some kind of introduction to Victoria. I watched the woman's lips moving as my mind raced on all the ways that I could introduce her. My heart was pounding and I felt flushed. I didn't want Victoria to feel uncomfortable at all. As the woman stopped talking I motioned over to Victoria and said, "this is my friend Victoria." The woman said, "oh isn't that nice that you came to support Heather while she is adopting. Did you come from Washington too?" Victoria blushed and smiled and said, "no, she is adopting my baby. I'm the birth mom." The woman's mouth dropped open. She recovered fairly well saying, "Oh! Well, that's nice of you to come." For the next few minutes Victoria and I had the chance to define our relationship to many very interested women. It actually worked out really well. I started introducing her as "Victoria, the birth mom who is choosing adoption for her baby" and Victoria became very comfortable talking to people and answering questions. This was probably the best thing to help us work out some of the awkwardness of our relationship and to help us move forward into a friendship. It was also super wonderful being able to praise God with the young woman who is choosing to give us her baby. There really is no greater spiritual time spent with God than that. After church we went for a walk on a nature tail. We walked for 3 miles in the warmth of the sun. We talked about everything from favorite foods to what our childhoods were like.

On Monday, I went to lunch at a BBQ place with Victoria and her mom and then on Tuesday we had lunch at the Olive Garden with her Grandma. I was able to ask all kinds of questions about their family background and what life was like growing up for both of them as well as Victoria and they learned all about my family. On Wednesday, we rented movies and hung out at Marvin and Linda's house all day. Then, on Thursday we went to the Florida's Museum of Natural History. Friday, I met Victoria at the doctors office where she had an appointment. I had the chance to meet the doctor and see the baby by ultrasound. It was more than exhilarating to listen to the little racing heart beat! The doctor also decided to get Victoria's started into labor. So after the appointment we went WALKING! We went to the Mills Hopper sink hole where we walked three flights of stairs to the bottom and them back up again. After that we went to the mall. Victoria was so tired but I encouraged her to continue to walk. When she couldn't go any farther I took her home to rest. I was so excited thinking about the possibility she could deliver any time. Sure enough, around nine o'clock Victoria called and said she couldn't stand the pain anymore. I picked her up and we headed to the hospital. She was dilated to two with contractions two minutes apart. Unfortunately they sent her home telling her to sleep it off. I took her home around midnight. I was so still so excited I couldn't get to sleep. Just as I dozed off around 2AM the phone rang again. It was the real deal this time. She was on her way to the hospital and she wanted me to meet her there.

Victoria labored for several hours. I spent most of my time with her and her family but had stepped out several times to seek emotional support from Jerry and renew my strength. I was a little concerned that Victoria's mom wasn't giving me any eye contact and had not said much to me. I told Jerry I thought that Victoria might change her mind. He had noticed the same thing and said I had reason for concern. He said that often times even if a birth mom really wants to place her baby she won't go through with it if she doesn't have the support of her family. Jerry and I had prayed and then I went back to the room. When I arrived I discovered that Victoria was no longer progressing and they decided she needed to have a c-section. She was upset and her mom, grandma and aunt rallied around her in support. Shortly after they wheeled her away a nurse brought in surgical garb for her mom and I to put on. Victoria's aunt and grandma helped us get all suited up and then we spent a few exciting moments talking as if we were all good friends. Then the nurse came in and told us Victoria was ready for us.

We entered the cold operating room where Victoria lay strapped to a table. Her mom took a seat next to her head and I stood behind her. Within minutes we could her a little cry. Over the curtain the doctor raised up this tiny little dark haired baby. She was so beautiful. I watched as they carried her over to the warmer where they would weigh and swaddle her. All I could think of is the conversation that Jerry and I had. She could change her mind! A nurse called me over to take a closer look. Victoria's mom and I excitedly walked over to her. The nurse handed the baby girl to me. I looked down at her and thought about how wonderful and beautiful she is. I decided that I would love her for as long as I could. At that moment Victoria's mom put her hand on my should and said gently in my ear, "you have a beautiful daughter." My heart let go and tears streamed down my cheeks. She then took a picture of the very moment that I knew this baby girl was really mine.

Psalm 139:13-14 For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother's womb. I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well.

Praise God for a women who allows God to grow such a gift in her womb, then to choose us to be her family!

God Paves the Way For Me

After I filed my taxes I had to wait three to four weeks for the check. The baby was due in four weeks but in God's great plan while I was heading to the store to buy some baby things to take with me to Florida I received a phone call. The baby was still very small and they wanted to change her due date by one week. Now she is due March 7th. That one week gave me a little more time to try to figure how I was going to work out my travel plans and the care of our four boys.

Jason's parents began making plans to drive from Colorado to Washington so they could stay with the boys. I printed up a daily schedule for the boys and directions to every place they could possibly go for the time I would be gone. Yes, I probably went a little over board with the micro managing! While they made their plans for travel, I also began making mine. I booked a one way flight for February 28th and began asking people from church if they knew anyone in Gainesville, Florida that I might be able to stay with. Within just a few days wonderful Miss Ella Mae came to me with fantastic news. He daughter lives in Tampa and had recently been at a work event where she met someone from Gainesville. She had put in a call and the people she met said they would take me in. What are the chances! I dare to say it wasn't "chance". It was the power of God! God was paving the way for this incredible journey.

I spent the next two weeks preparing my home for company as any good wife and mother would do. I suppose instead of saying preparing I could say frantically "death cleaning"! I also purchased the basic necessities that I would need for a new baby. I was still a little hesitant about whether or not I would really get to bring her home so I only bought enough stuff to last about 2 weeks and I left the tags on everything. Looking back on it now it really shows my state of mind and the emotions that I was feeling. I could see how God was working in my life and I trusted in his plan for me to be there for Victoria (the birth mom). That being said I wasn't so sure that his plan was for me to bring home this baby. I was so sure that I needed to be there for Victoria that I made the decision to be there a week before her delivery. Jerry, our adoption counselor was very hesitant about my plans to get there early and spend the week getting to know Victoria. He had simply said, "most adoptive parents meet once just before delivery and then will be there at the hospital." Later he told me that he was really unsure of how things would work out but that he was overwhelmed with feeling like he shouldn't get in the way of God's will.

True to God's plan and his ability to pave my path for me, three days before I left for Gainesville our tax refund arrived. The amount we received would pay for my plane ticket and the adoption in full. At that time I had also received a call from Ella Mae. She told me that the people that I was supposed to stay with had to leave town but another couple named Linda and Marvin had offered to help me out. I packed two bags, one for me and one for the baby. On February 26th I said goodbye to my boys and a friend drove me to the airport at 6 AM. I traveled for the next eighteen hours. By the time I got to Florida I was exhausted. I stepped off the plane and there waiting for me was Linda and her friend Linda (yes, they were the two Linda's). They greeted me with big smiles and even bigger hugs! I stood in a place that was completely foreign to me with people I had never met before. I was totally unprepared for what was to come.

Proverbs 3:5-6  Trust in the LORD with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.