Ben and Jerry's has ruined me. They changed the ingredients of their Toffee Cappuccino ice cream and now I no longer have a favorite. Faith is behind me saying, "Mom, you have to come see this!" I respond, "Just a minute, honey." She gets louder, "No, MOM! Now! You have to come NOW!" I muster out a monotone, "Just a minute Faith. I'm almost done." I swipe two containers of ice cream from the freezer in hopes that one of them will be my new favorite. I think of Jason who also needs ice cream but I am clearly out of time. I turn to Faith and ask her to show me what she is looking at. She points to a package of frozen Mac and Cheese. I say, "Oh, that's nice but it's not gluten and dairy free." She screams much louder than before, "How do you know? You don't know! You didn't even look!" I respond, "Sweetheart, I did look. I know because it doesn't say gluten free, dairy free on the box and it's not the right brand or on the right isle." She screams even louder, "You don't know! You never looked!" Again I respond, "This conversation is over." Only this time it doesn't work. As we walk she begins to chant in monotone, "Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom....." As I am unloading the cart she continues to chant with an intermittent, "Mom! Talk to me!" I calmly respond, "I will talk to you when you can be respectful." She screams, "No! MOM,MOM,MOM,MOM..." Then she stops and says, "When will we be home?" I answer, "In just a little bit." She starts in again screaming, "What do you mean?! How Long will it be?!" I respond, "We will be home in ten minutes." She screams again, "How long is ten minutes?!" I respond, "This conversation is over." This time the screaming is deafening, "Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom! Tell me! Talk to me! Tell me! Mom, mom, mom, mom...." The cashier and bagger don't say a word to me. They don't even look up until I start to leave. I walk away with her walking and screaming behind me. Until I got to the parking lot and she realized if she stopped walking I couldn't leave her. So she stopped and was back in control of me. I went back and took her hand. I calmly walked her to the car as she screamed blood curdling screams. An older woman was putting groceries in her car but she stopped and turned to us. She yelled out over Faith's screams, "You know little girl, you are really irritating me!" I give a fake smile and continue walking to the car.
The story goes on for another hour but I will spare you the details. I will also spare the details of the 5-6 times a day that she behaves this way. We have tried everything and she just doesn't get any better. Out of the six kids I have raised from birth not one of the others displays any kind of behaviors even remotely similar to this. Her psychologist thinks she behaves this way because she is attention seeking. This is our life.
One week later Faith has had a really good day so I decide to try the grocery store again. I only need a few things and can be in and out in ten minutes. We pull into the parking lot and my six kids and I unload from the car. Faith is the last one out because she has taken her shoes and socks off in the car on the way there. She quickly puts her shoes back on but leaves her socks behind. She grabs her lunch box and doll and says she is ready. I ask her to leave the doll and lunch box. She screams "fine" and throws them back in the van. We all start our walk through the parking lot. Faith stops several times to adjust her shoes. I recognize she is frustrated over not having socks on. Half way through the parking lot she stomps her feet and screams, "Take me back to the car! I want my socks!" I remind her that she made the choice to take her socks off and maybe next time she will remember to leave them on. By the time we get inside the store she is unbearable. All the patience and reasoning in the world isn't going to help her calm down. Inside this particular store there is a Starbucks. I decide to give Faith a time-out right there in the store. I sit her in a chair and start the timer. Things get worse very quickly. She starts by hitting the table and then ramps it up by screaming and trying to push the table over. She has left me no choice but to restrain her as her psychologist has instructed me. As customers walked by she would scream for their help, pleading to get me off of her. Two things went through my mind. First, I was wondering if I had all the business cards for the several counselors, therapists, and psychologists that we have been seeing, just in case someone calls the police or Child Welfare. Second, I was thinking of the publics reaction to the story of the man who bought all the McDonald's pies to spite the screaming boy and his mother. I rarely leave my house because I suspected that the majority of the public would pass judgement on my ability to parent rather than offer a kind word of encouragement. All too often the majority of people won't recognize that there are other possibilities that may cause a child to behave poorly and a mother to respond in a way that is considered undesirable. I just gave two examples of what it's like to be in public with my five year old. In one I ignored her while fearing judgment that here I am with my kid screaming and I'm doing nothing. I also knew that the store was packed with people, I was done shopping and getting to the car would be better than having time-out in the isle. In the second story, I had not yet started my shopping, and the store wasn't very busy, which made it a good time to correct her behavior. I really can't win the publics approval either way though. The public doesn't really care how I discipline as long as whatever I do is working. So consider the possibilities, not every child is the same and often times parents are doing the best they can under the circumstances. Would it change the publics judgment if they knew that the child before them looks very normal but has autism? How about if they knew that the poor mama before them was barely holding on when she lost her job, the crisis she is now in has made parenting very difficult and she is trying her best to do something nice for her child who is clearly feeling his mama's stress? Would you have given that mama and child a break if you knew that the daddy has been killed in action while serving in Afghanistan? Would you react the same if you knew that the mama had grown up in foster care, was completely alone and doesn't know the first thing about parenting? How about if that mama recently adopted the screaming child out of foster care and he is screaming because of his past traumas and inability to function in a public place?
In my case, of my eight kids I have one child I adopted at birth that is completely out of control, another child I adopted from foster care that barely functions and six more kids that function and behave very normally. The fact that I have been parenting for half my life and have six very "normal" children doesn't stop the judgment or advice that I get from complete strangers. Regardless of why mom or dad are struggling with their kiddo, it will make a much bigger impact on them to show a little kindness and encourage them rather than do things that spite them to teach them a lesson. Trust me, I question my own abilities as a parent with every scream my son and daughter direct at me. The last thing I need is for a complete stranger to side with them while you let me know I'm doing a terrible job.
