My husband and I adopted two boys out of foster care a little over a year ago. At the time that they joined our family, adding to our other six children, they were 9 and 12. The abuse, neglect, and isolation they went through for the four years that they were in their foster home is their story to tell, not mine. I understand the private nature of personal trauma and I understand the private nature of childhood trauma. I want them to have the choice to tell their own story to those they love and trust. On the flip side of that, my now 13 year old is not only a violent abuser but is now in the early stages of showing signs that he is a predator as well. His abusive past has become my families abusive present.
My son suffers from mental illness, likely a result from his traumatic abuse history. If he were a diabetic I wouldn't send him to the school cafeteria or the church picnic without letting people know that he may need help picking foods that will keep him healthy. Likewise, my son's mental illness and traumatic past puts him at risk to display behaviors that could hurt someone, in turn also hurting himself. My husband and I have a huge undertaking. It is our responsibility to not only protect our son but we also have to protect our other children and yours, too.
This doesn't mean that we put a sign around his neck for all to see or tell every single person we come in contact with. So, who do we tell? We talk to each other as a family. We are completely open in conversation with each other about his behaviors and how it makes us feel, even if he is within ear shot. All of us are being traumatized and have the right to feel safe and when we don't, we have the right to express it even at the cost of making him feel uncomfortable, awkward or sad. These are normal feeling after you have behaved in a way that has caused someone else pain and I won't protect him from this. It's important to his healing to understand the emotional consequences of his actions.
I talk openly to the school staff. This includes the principal, vice principal, guidance counselor, teachers, nurse, bus driver and even the secretary if I think it will help protect him from himself and protect the kids around him. I meet with his guidance counselor weekly and we are in close communication every other day as well. This is a team effort and I couldn't do this without her. Not only do we communicate often but we also communicate with him together. He needs to know we talk, we are in agreement and everyone is watching him. I also carry the burden of watching your children. I ask who he spends his time with and if the other children in his circle are at risk due to size, confidence, or the inability for them to stand up for themselves for any reason. The school staff is watching closely to keep your children safe.
I am completely open and honest at church. We are new to our area and are trying to get to know people. When someone that we see every week notices something different such as one week I'm fine and the next week my shoulder is dislocated they are often kind enough to ask if I'm ok and what happened. I offer up the truth even if my son is standing beside me. The fact that my son dislocated my shoulder is shocking and I understand that most don't know what to say. When asked why he isn't with us that day, I'm honest with the fact that he has been admitted to the psychiatric ward after punching me in the face and throat. When I'm asked if we are coming to the potluck, I kindly decline with the fact that we don't take him into crowded environments that we may not be able to control his movements or behaviors. He can't attend the birthday party where there will be paint guns and he would have freedom to run unsupervised. He can't go to the teen event without my husband at his side so we openly volunteer that we are chaperoning but our main focus will be on our son. He goes to bible class with his two older brothers who watch him and he is escorted by them back to our seats where my husband and I resume the close supervision. If he needs to go to the bathroom my husband goes with him. When he goes long periods of time being violent and lost our trust he doesn't attend his own bible class but instead stays with my husband and I. If my husband is out of town I miss church all together to prevent an unsafe environment for my family and those around us. Our son hasn't harmed anyone outside of our own family and my concern is less that he will hurt you or your children but instead we are doing this to prevent any possibility that he could behave in public the way he behaves at home. We are also giving our other six children the chance to be normal. Allowing them to move freely through out their environment without fear. Giving them the opportunity to talk to their friends without our son intimidating them.
This is the reality that we live. I will not keep the secret to make him more comfortable about the choices he makes and I won't give him any excuses. Each time that he has been admitted to the psychiatric ward I have begged for help. I ask them to recognize that, while I understand this is learned behavior from past trauma we need to be open and honest about the choices he makes. Each and every time that a social worker, nurse, doctor, or psychologist begin to confront him, as soon as it gets awkward and uncomfortable they back out and offer him an excuse, which he is always grateful for. Most recently, I asked my son if when I asked him to do his homework and he stood defiantly with his fists ready to hit me, did he make the choice to hit me regardless of what I was going to say or do next. He said he had. He looked up to see the shocked look on the social workers face and he began to squirm in his seat. Seeing this, the social worker said to him, "maybe you didn't understand the question? Maybe you felt out of control." Both my son and The social worker took a deep breath and relaxed as the difficult conversation had taken a turn and was far less uncomfortable.
While he hasn't physically harmed our other children we are watching closely for unhealthy patterns of behavior and his ability keep personal boundaries and to self correct. If he doesn't self correct in an appropriate time frame we know that he needs an adult to help him moderate his behaviors. He is a classic domestic abuser. At this time those that are at the greatest risk of harm are those whom he loves and trusts. In the history of domestic abuse it is always kept secret. Considered to be private family matters. We need to break down the barriers and break the cycle. The pattern of abuse isn't as effective when it's out in the open and those who know about it don't excuse it for any reason.
So what does someone with a child who is an abuser need? We need support given in many forms. Sometimes a hug, or a kind word. We always need an extra set of eyes keeping us and those around us safe. I never need to hear that it's my fault. Maybe I need to just leave him alone and not ask him to brush his teeth or do his homework. Instead, he needs to hear that it's never ok to use violence to get what he wants or to use violence to get out of responsibilities. If he is standing next to me and I say, "my son hits me", he needs to hear from everyone around him that under any circumstances violence is not ok and it makes them sad to hear that he behaves this way. My other children need to feel normal. They need someone to say hi to them and give the a high five, a hand shake or a hug. They need to be invited places away from the abuse so they can relax from time to time. They need to be rewarded for being wonderful. When my son is admitted to the psychiatric ward he is given arms full of toys and treats. Even more recently someone asked me if they could give him a sweatshirt for being safe for the next hour while our family watched a hockey game. I told her I would pass on the offer but she is welcome to give my other children a sweatshirt because they are always safe with their bodies. She declined. As parents we do reward him for being safe to encourage the good choices but it gets a little ridiculous. I worry that the constant "rewards" encourages him to continue the cycle of one bad week, one good week. It is very clear to him that his sibling aren't being offered "rewards". It actually pays off for him to continue the cycle. If you are with our family I would be very ok with you offering my seven other children a treat for behaving so nicely. After all they deserve all the praise in the world for living in such a difficult situation and maintaining safe behavior all the time.
My child is an abuser and I will not keep his secret. I am going to face this head on in hopes that we can help him to change.
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
Tantrums in Public and the Public Has Spoken
I'm in the coffee isle at the grocery store. We have only been here for about 15 minutes and are about to loose it. Must grab coffee! I snatch the closest four bold boxes that are on sale. "Mom! I left my necklace at the eye doctors and we have to get it now", screeches Faith, my five year old. "We can't go now but we will be there tomorrow and we can get it then," I reply. She squeals a little louder, "I have to have it now!" I pass an older woman who glances in my direction. I grunt back at Faith, "The conversation is over." She yells back, "No it's not!" I was surprised when I rounded the corner and she had let it go. I think, ice cream! I can't go home without ice cream! She's not screaming so I think I can do one more isle if I'm quick. Jonathan who is 13 and Jackson 12 are walking briskly behind me. Jonathan is whistling and singing to himself. It's irritating but he isn't spinning, touching his siblings, taking things off the shelves or having a tantrum so I ignore it. Faith on the other hand is clearly bothered as she squeals, "Jonathan! Stop singing!" I think about telling him to stop but he is being so good I decide to wait to see if she gets worse. She again lets it go so I do too.
Ben and Jerry's has ruined me. They changed the ingredients of their Toffee Cappuccino ice cream and now I no longer have a favorite. Faith is behind me saying, "Mom, you have to come see this!" I respond, "Just a minute, honey." She gets louder, "No, MOM! Now! You have to come NOW!" I muster out a monotone, "Just a minute Faith. I'm almost done." I swipe two containers of ice cream from the freezer in hopes that one of them will be my new favorite. I think of Jason who also needs ice cream but I am clearly out of time. I turn to Faith and ask her to show me what she is looking at. She points to a package of frozen Mac and Cheese. I say, "Oh, that's nice but it's not gluten and dairy free." She screams much louder than before, "How do you know? You don't know! You didn't even look!" I respond, "Sweetheart, I did look. I know because it doesn't say gluten free, dairy free on the box and it's not the right brand or on the right isle." She screams even louder, "You don't know! You never looked!" Again I respond, "This conversation is over." Only this time it doesn't work. As we walk she begins to chant in monotone, "Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom....." As I am unloading the cart she continues to chant with an intermittent, "Mom! Talk to me!" I calmly respond, "I will talk to you when you can be respectful." She screams, "No! MOM,MOM,MOM,MOM..." Then she stops and says, "When will we be home?" I answer, "In just a little bit." She starts in again screaming, "What do you mean?! How Long will it be?!" I respond, "We will be home in ten minutes." She screams again, "How long is ten minutes?!" I respond, "This conversation is over." This time the screaming is deafening, "Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom! Tell me! Talk to me! Tell me! Mom, mom, mom, mom...." The cashier and bagger don't say a word to me. They don't even look up until I start to leave. I walk away with her walking and screaming behind me. Until I got to the parking lot and she realized if she stopped walking I couldn't leave her. So she stopped and was back in control of me. I went back and took her hand. I calmly walked her to the car as she screamed blood curdling screams. An older woman was putting groceries in her car but she stopped and turned to us. She yelled out over Faith's screams, "You know little girl, you are really irritating me!" I give a fake smile and continue walking to the car.
The story goes on for another hour but I will spare you the details. I will also spare the details of the 5-6 times a day that she behaves this way. We have tried everything and she just doesn't get any better. Out of the six kids I have raised from birth not one of the others displays any kind of behaviors even remotely similar to this. Her psychologist thinks she behaves this way because she is attention seeking. This is our life.
One week later Faith has had a really good day so I decide to try the grocery store again. I only need a few things and can be in and out in ten minutes. We pull into the parking lot and my six kids and I unload from the car. Faith is the last one out because she has taken her shoes and socks off in the car on the way there. She quickly puts her shoes back on but leaves her socks behind. She grabs her lunch box and doll and says she is ready. I ask her to leave the doll and lunch box. She screams "fine" and throws them back in the van. We all start our walk through the parking lot. Faith stops several times to adjust her shoes. I recognize she is frustrated over not having socks on. Half way through the parking lot she stomps her feet and screams, "Take me back to the car! I want my socks!" I remind her that she made the choice to take her socks off and maybe next time she will remember to leave them on. By the time we get inside the store she is unbearable. All the patience and reasoning in the world isn't going to help her calm down. Inside this particular store there is a Starbucks. I decide to give Faith a time-out right there in the store. I sit her in a chair and start the timer. Things get worse very quickly. She starts by hitting the table and then ramps it up by screaming and trying to push the table over. She has left me no choice but to restrain her as her psychologist has instructed me. As customers walked by she would scream for their help, pleading to get me off of her. Two things went through my mind. First, I was wondering if I had all the business cards for the several counselors, therapists, and psychologists that we have been seeing, just in case someone calls the police or Child Welfare. Second, I was thinking of the publics reaction to the story of the man who bought all the McDonald's pies to spite the screaming boy and his mother. I rarely leave my house because I suspected that the majority of the public would pass judgement on my ability to parent rather than offer a kind word of encouragement. All too often the majority of people won't recognize that there are other possibilities that may cause a child to behave poorly and a mother to respond in a way that is considered undesirable. I just gave two examples of what it's like to be in public with my five year old. In one I ignored her while fearing judgment that here I am with my kid screaming and I'm doing nothing. I also knew that the store was packed with people, I was done shopping and getting to the car would be better than having time-out in the isle. In the second story, I had not yet started my shopping, and the store wasn't very busy, which made it a good time to correct her behavior. I really can't win the publics approval either way though. The public doesn't really care how I discipline as long as whatever I do is working. So consider the possibilities, not every child is the same and often times parents are doing the best they can under the circumstances. Would it change the publics judgment if they knew that the child before them looks very normal but has autism? How about if they knew that the poor mama before them was barely holding on when she lost her job, the crisis she is now in has made parenting very difficult and she is trying her best to do something nice for her child who is clearly feeling his mama's stress? Would you have given that mama and child a break if you knew that the daddy has been killed in action while serving in Afghanistan? Would you react the same if you knew that the mama had grown up in foster care, was completely alone and doesn't know the first thing about parenting? How about if that mama recently adopted the screaming child out of foster care and he is screaming because of his past traumas and inability to function in a public place?
In my case, of my eight kids I have one child I adopted at birth that is completely out of control, another child I adopted from foster care that barely functions and six more kids that function and behave very normally. The fact that I have been parenting for half my life and have six very "normal" children doesn't stop the judgment or advice that I get from complete strangers. Regardless of why mom or dad are struggling with their kiddo, it will make a much bigger impact on them to show a little kindness and encourage them rather than do things that spite them to teach them a lesson. Trust me, I question my own abilities as a parent with every scream my son and daughter direct at me. The last thing I need is for a complete stranger to side with them while you let me know I'm doing a terrible job.
Ben and Jerry's has ruined me. They changed the ingredients of their Toffee Cappuccino ice cream and now I no longer have a favorite. Faith is behind me saying, "Mom, you have to come see this!" I respond, "Just a minute, honey." She gets louder, "No, MOM! Now! You have to come NOW!" I muster out a monotone, "Just a minute Faith. I'm almost done." I swipe two containers of ice cream from the freezer in hopes that one of them will be my new favorite. I think of Jason who also needs ice cream but I am clearly out of time. I turn to Faith and ask her to show me what she is looking at. She points to a package of frozen Mac and Cheese. I say, "Oh, that's nice but it's not gluten and dairy free." She screams much louder than before, "How do you know? You don't know! You didn't even look!" I respond, "Sweetheart, I did look. I know because it doesn't say gluten free, dairy free on the box and it's not the right brand or on the right isle." She screams even louder, "You don't know! You never looked!" Again I respond, "This conversation is over." Only this time it doesn't work. As we walk she begins to chant in monotone, "Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom....." As I am unloading the cart she continues to chant with an intermittent, "Mom! Talk to me!" I calmly respond, "I will talk to you when you can be respectful." She screams, "No! MOM,MOM,MOM,MOM..." Then she stops and says, "When will we be home?" I answer, "In just a little bit." She starts in again screaming, "What do you mean?! How Long will it be?!" I respond, "We will be home in ten minutes." She screams again, "How long is ten minutes?!" I respond, "This conversation is over." This time the screaming is deafening, "Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom! Tell me! Talk to me! Tell me! Mom, mom, mom, mom...." The cashier and bagger don't say a word to me. They don't even look up until I start to leave. I walk away with her walking and screaming behind me. Until I got to the parking lot and she realized if she stopped walking I couldn't leave her. So she stopped and was back in control of me. I went back and took her hand. I calmly walked her to the car as she screamed blood curdling screams. An older woman was putting groceries in her car but she stopped and turned to us. She yelled out over Faith's screams, "You know little girl, you are really irritating me!" I give a fake smile and continue walking to the car.
The story goes on for another hour but I will spare you the details. I will also spare the details of the 5-6 times a day that she behaves this way. We have tried everything and she just doesn't get any better. Out of the six kids I have raised from birth not one of the others displays any kind of behaviors even remotely similar to this. Her psychologist thinks she behaves this way because she is attention seeking. This is our life.
One week later Faith has had a really good day so I decide to try the grocery store again. I only need a few things and can be in and out in ten minutes. We pull into the parking lot and my six kids and I unload from the car. Faith is the last one out because she has taken her shoes and socks off in the car on the way there. She quickly puts her shoes back on but leaves her socks behind. She grabs her lunch box and doll and says she is ready. I ask her to leave the doll and lunch box. She screams "fine" and throws them back in the van. We all start our walk through the parking lot. Faith stops several times to adjust her shoes. I recognize she is frustrated over not having socks on. Half way through the parking lot she stomps her feet and screams, "Take me back to the car! I want my socks!" I remind her that she made the choice to take her socks off and maybe next time she will remember to leave them on. By the time we get inside the store she is unbearable. All the patience and reasoning in the world isn't going to help her calm down. Inside this particular store there is a Starbucks. I decide to give Faith a time-out right there in the store. I sit her in a chair and start the timer. Things get worse very quickly. She starts by hitting the table and then ramps it up by screaming and trying to push the table over. She has left me no choice but to restrain her as her psychologist has instructed me. As customers walked by she would scream for their help, pleading to get me off of her. Two things went through my mind. First, I was wondering if I had all the business cards for the several counselors, therapists, and psychologists that we have been seeing, just in case someone calls the police or Child Welfare. Second, I was thinking of the publics reaction to the story of the man who bought all the McDonald's pies to spite the screaming boy and his mother. I rarely leave my house because I suspected that the majority of the public would pass judgement on my ability to parent rather than offer a kind word of encouragement. All too often the majority of people won't recognize that there are other possibilities that may cause a child to behave poorly and a mother to respond in a way that is considered undesirable. I just gave two examples of what it's like to be in public with my five year old. In one I ignored her while fearing judgment that here I am with my kid screaming and I'm doing nothing. I also knew that the store was packed with people, I was done shopping and getting to the car would be better than having time-out in the isle. In the second story, I had not yet started my shopping, and the store wasn't very busy, which made it a good time to correct her behavior. I really can't win the publics approval either way though. The public doesn't really care how I discipline as long as whatever I do is working. So consider the possibilities, not every child is the same and often times parents are doing the best they can under the circumstances. Would it change the publics judgment if they knew that the child before them looks very normal but has autism? How about if they knew that the poor mama before them was barely holding on when she lost her job, the crisis she is now in has made parenting very difficult and she is trying her best to do something nice for her child who is clearly feeling his mama's stress? Would you have given that mama and child a break if you knew that the daddy has been killed in action while serving in Afghanistan? Would you react the same if you knew that the mama had grown up in foster care, was completely alone and doesn't know the first thing about parenting? How about if that mama recently adopted the screaming child out of foster care and he is screaming because of his past traumas and inability to function in a public place?
In my case, of my eight kids I have one child I adopted at birth that is completely out of control, another child I adopted from foster care that barely functions and six more kids that function and behave very normally. The fact that I have been parenting for half my life and have six very "normal" children doesn't stop the judgment or advice that I get from complete strangers. Regardless of why mom or dad are struggling with their kiddo, it will make a much bigger impact on them to show a little kindness and encourage them rather than do things that spite them to teach them a lesson. Trust me, I question my own abilities as a parent with every scream my son and daughter direct at me. The last thing I need is for a complete stranger to side with them while you let me know I'm doing a terrible job.
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
Shattered to Perfection
Little boy so bright
His hand in mine with a skip, hold tight
His smile shines from ear to ear
"Mommy, I love you" is his whisper so clear
I see your heart dear boy of mine
So sweet and true having left this world behind
You tried to tell me but I could not hear
Your words are vague and so unclear
So you showed me the hurt you lived through
Chaos, yelling, fists, and fleeing was nothing new
You showed me the pain
With little to gain
I see your heart dear boy of mine
So sweet and true having left this world behind
The wind has blown a new direction today
It is you, all else gives way
Your heart is mine
No explanation but divine
Wounds to cover, a heart to heal
My love for you to feel
God is here
Nothing to fear
The wind has blown a new direction today
I see your heart dear boy of mine
So sweet and true having left this world behind
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