I Won't Keep the Family Secret

My husband and I adopted two boys out of foster care a little over a year ago. At the time that they joined our family, adding to our other six children, they were 9 and 12. The abuse, neglect, and isolation they went through for the four years that they were in their foster home is their story to tell, not mine.  I understand the private nature of personal trauma and I understand the private nature of childhood trauma. I want them to have the choice to tell their own story to those they love and trust. On the flip side of that, my now 13 year old is not only a violent abuser but is now in the early stages of showing signs that he is a predator as well. His abusive past has become my families abusive present.

My son suffers from mental illness, likely a result from his traumatic abuse history. If he were a diabetic I wouldn't send him to the school cafeteria or the church picnic without letting people know that he may need help picking foods that will keep him healthy. Likewise, my son's mental illness and traumatic past puts him at risk to display behaviors that could hurt someone, in turn also hurting himself. My husband and I have a huge undertaking. It is our responsibility to not only protect our son but we also have to protect our other children and yours, too.

This doesn't mean that we put a sign around his neck for all to see or tell every single person we come in contact with. So, who do we tell? We talk to each other as a family. We are completely open in conversation with each other about his behaviors and how it makes us feel, even if he is within ear shot. All of us are being traumatized and have the right to feel safe and when we don't, we have the right to express it even at the cost of making him feel uncomfortable, awkward or sad. These are normal feeling after you have behaved in a way that has caused someone else pain and I won't protect him from this. It's important to his healing to understand the emotional consequences of his actions.

I talk openly to the school staff. This includes the principal, vice principal, guidance counselor, teachers, nurse, bus driver and even the secretary if I think it will help protect him from himself and protect the kids around him. I meet with his guidance counselor weekly and we are in close communication every other day as well. This is a team effort and I couldn't do this without her. Not only do we communicate often but we also communicate with him together. He needs to know we talk, we are in agreement and everyone is watching him. I also carry the burden of watching your children. I ask who he spends his time with and if the other children in his circle are at risk due to size, confidence, or the inability for them to stand up for themselves for any reason. The school staff is watching closely to keep your children safe.

I am completely open and honest at church. We are new to our area and are trying to get to know people. When someone that we see every week notices something different such as one week I'm fine and the next week my shoulder is dislocated they are often kind enough to ask if I'm ok and what happened. I offer up the truth even if my son is standing beside me. The fact that my son dislocated my shoulder is shocking and I understand that most don't know what to say. When asked why he isn't with us that day, I'm honest with the fact that he has been admitted to the psychiatric ward after punching me in the face and throat. When I'm asked if we are coming to the potluck, I kindly decline with the fact that we don't take him into crowded environments that we may not be able to control his movements or behaviors. He can't attend the birthday party where there will be paint guns and he would have freedom to run unsupervised. He can't go to the teen event without my husband at his side so we openly volunteer that we are chaperoning but our main focus will be on our son. He goes to bible class with his two older brothers who watch him and he is escorted by them back to our seats where my husband and I resume the close supervision. If he needs to go to the bathroom my husband goes with him. When he goes long periods of time being violent and lost our trust he doesn't attend his own bible class but instead stays with my husband and I. If my husband is out of town I miss church all together to prevent an unsafe environment for my family and those around us.  Our son hasn't harmed anyone outside of our own family and my concern is less that he will hurt you or your children but instead we are doing this to prevent any possibility that he could behave in public the way he behaves at home. We are also giving our other six children the chance to be normal. Allowing them to move freely through out their environment without fear. Giving them the opportunity to talk to their friends without our son intimidating them.

This is the reality that we live. I will not keep the secret to make him more comfortable about the choices he makes and I won't give him any excuses. Each time that he has been admitted to the psychiatric ward I have begged for help. I ask them to recognize that, while I understand this is learned behavior from past trauma we need to be open and honest about the choices he makes. Each and every time that a social worker, nurse, doctor, or psychologist begin to confront him, as soon as it gets awkward and uncomfortable they back out and offer him an excuse, which he is always grateful for. Most recently, I asked my son if when I asked him to do his homework and he stood defiantly with his fists ready to hit me, did he make the choice to hit me regardless of what I was going to say or do next. He said he had. He looked up to see the shocked look on the social workers face and he began to squirm in his seat. Seeing this, the social worker said to him, "maybe you didn't understand the question? Maybe you felt out of control." Both my son and The social worker took a deep breath and relaxed as the difficult conversation had taken a turn and was far less uncomfortable.

While he hasn't physically harmed our other children we are watching closely for unhealthy patterns of behavior and his ability keep personal boundaries and to self correct. If he doesn't self correct in an appropriate time frame we know that he needs an adult to help him moderate his behaviors. He is a classic domestic abuser. At this time those that are at the greatest risk of harm are those whom he loves and trusts. In the history of domestic abuse it is always kept secret. Considered to be private family matters. We need to break down the barriers and break the cycle. The pattern of abuse isn't as effective when it's out in the open and those who know about it don't excuse it for any reason.

So what does someone with a child who is an abuser need? We need support given in many forms. Sometimes a hug, or a kind word. We always need an extra set of eyes keeping us and those around us safe. I never need to hear that it's my fault. Maybe I need to just leave him alone and not ask him to brush his teeth or do his homework. Instead, he needs to hear that it's never ok to use violence to get what he wants or to use violence to get out of responsibilities. If he is standing next to me and I say, "my son hits me", he needs to hear from everyone around him that under any circumstances violence is not ok and it makes them sad to hear that he behaves this way. My other children need to feel normal. They need someone to say hi to them and give the a high five, a hand shake or a hug. They need to be invited places away from the abuse so they can relax from time to time. They need to be rewarded for being wonderful. When my son is admitted to the psychiatric ward he is given arms full of toys and treats. Even more recently someone asked me if they could give him a sweatshirt for being safe for the next hour while our family watched a hockey game. I told her I would pass on the offer but she is welcome to give my other children a sweatshirt because they are always safe with their bodies. She declined. As parents we do reward him for being safe to encourage the good choices but it gets a little ridiculous. I worry that the constant "rewards" encourages him to continue the cycle of one bad week, one good week. It is very clear to him that his sibling aren't being offered "rewards". It actually pays off for him to continue the cycle. If you are with our family I would be very ok with you offering my seven other children a treat for behaving so nicely. After all they deserve all the praise in the world for living in such a difficult situation and maintaining safe behavior all the time.

My child is an abuser and I will not keep his secret. I am going to face this head on in hopes that we can help him to change.