The four days I spent in the ICU took the last bit of strength out of me that I had left. The swelling in my throat stretched out the skin so I was unable to sit up without feeling like I was choking. So I just laid in bed and grew weaker. When I was finally discharged I needed help to stand. My twig shaped legs threatened to break beneath my body. As I transitioned from the hospital to home my head began to pound out a pain that was unbearable. At home I crawled into my bed out of breath and exhausted. Lying next to me was my bible, notebook, pen and cell phone. None of which I had the strength to use. Before surgery I would lay my phone onto my ear unable to hold it in my hand, and now I am unable to lift my pen to write even the smallest note. As the days pass I learn that I have a spinal leak that is causing the headaches. I am ordered to lay in bed for another ten days which continues to leave my body week and lifeless.
When I am finally able to get out of bed it takes everything I have to shower and clean up. I am too week to lift my hairbrush to my head to comb my hair. I return to my bed for another day to regain my strength. My body is stiff, my left leg doesn't straighten and the pain has returned to an unbearable force although it is not as bad as before. I can no longer move my back or neck in any direction. I am not sure if this is from surgery or if I couldn't move before and just didn't notice. My mom brings me a glass of water and I have to ask her to dump it out until there is only a sip left because I am too week to lift it. I eat laying down in bed because I can't sit up and I have still been too week to even make it out to the couch. This goes on for another two weeks. At this point it has been about 9 weeks that I have been completely bed ridden.
I finally muster up the strength and courage to climb out of bed, walk down the hall (stopping along the way to catch my breath) and sit in a gliding chair. I was so happy to finally sit. I spent time with my kids and Ryan, my nephew who was caring for me and the kids. It didn't take long for me to realize that after sitting only for a few minutes I was in too much pain to get up. So I sat there most of the day. After that I began alternating what I did everyday almost like therapy; day one- shower and go back to bed (that's all the strength I had), day two- make my way to the gliding chair and sit there all day. The more I did these two things I knew my body would get stronger.
Over two months had passed when my neurologist finally sent me in for physical therapy. Twice a week I drove a quarter of a mile to my physical therapist where she tortured me relentlessly. It was very much like in the movies where the therapist pushes their patient to the point of tears. She would take hold of my leg and stretch it until I would cry out with tears welling up in my eyes. After stretching I would practice walking. My brain no longer worked with my leg. Every step I took I had to look down at my leg and will it to move. If I didn't it didn't go anywhere. I also had work at home. My new stretch was to attempt to put my foot up on the ottoman in front of my glider and to attempt to straighten my leg rocking back and forth putting more pressure on it. The pain from this was excruciating.
I continued to sleep with my bible next to me but I never had the strength to pick it up and read it. I can honestly say that with all the extra time I had laying around my prayer had increased. The odd thing was I never prayed for myself. I had a huge list of family and friends that I prayed for but never did I pray for healing. I think it was just too overwhelming for me. I never thought I would get better and that if I just tried to live in the moment praising God for the blessing I had that it would be easier on me. At the same time I really had to reconcile with the fact that I am no longer the same person with the same abilities. I need to create a whole new me and find out what God's will is for me. I know that he wants something from me. Even if I can't move my body I can still work for his kingdom. Over and over as I lay in bed I felt so strongly that I needed to write my story down and share it with other. It was just going to take time and a great deal of work to get me to the point that I could sit up and write.
Ephesians 4:4 For there is one body
and one Spirit, just as you have been called to
one glorious hope for the future.
Colossians 3:15 And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of
one body you are called
to live in peace. And always be thankful.
While I am changing in my abilities I am still an important part of the body. We all change throughout our life and with that change we need to rediscover God's will for us. As a single 20 something you can physically go and do so many things. When you are married with young children your focus goes to the needs of your family. As you can see you are ever evolving in our walk with God. In these changes live in peace and be thankful for you have been called to one glorious hope for the future!
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