Setting My Monster Free

I carried him for years. A picture in my shattered heart of fear, sadness and anxiety. It was my monster. I could say I forgive you a million times but my monster wouldn't go away. Every time I entered a church building or a large crowd I felt the shadow of my monster behind me.

I was only sixteen the first time we met. He was my mission directer and a father like mentor. After our incredible mission trip was over he battled a brain tumor. Maybe that is when his monster entered him. The next summer I returned for another trip. It could have been the Holy Spirit pleading with my heart not to go but he needed me to be there. He wasn't prepared for the trip and needed someone to be there that could lead the trip. He needed me.

When I got there I was alone. He had lied. My best friend wouldn't be there for another two weeks along with the other staff. It isn't kidnapping when your family sends you. I couldn't tell, who would believe me? Then there were the lies he told me. It was meant to be. I had to come to terms with that. He spent the week telling me he had great plans for me. I was terrified and alone. I depended on him for my survival. I had to follow him. Then the phone rang. I hadn't talked to anyone I could trust for a week. She told me it was like there was a voice inside of her telling her to call me as she woke up that morning. At first, I didn't trust that this could be my way out. But after some time passed I finally told and just like that I had been saved. I couldn't prove I had been trapped there. He had not yet physically harmed me. He had told me that would take place just two days later. There was no police report.  I told his employers but it wasn't for another several months before they believed me and told him he could no longer work with youth. There was one man that told me that for my sake I needed to forgive him so that I could move on. I believe that deep down they all knew what I had told them was true. It took three years before they finally fired him as their minister. He hasn't officially worked since, although he continues to work at church camps.

Years later I heard stories of Elizabeth Smart, Shawn Hornbeck and more recently Jaycee Dugard. Stockholm Syndrom explains why they could be kept in the open for months or even years all the while they don't cry out for help. How could I be there for a week without asking for help or running away? Maybe it was my fault. I read their stories and it's like reading my own story. My own story that was never fulfilled because I got away.

A piece of his evil had crept into my heart. God tells me I can have peace, comfort and joy and yet, I can't find it. He tells me to trust Him but I struggle. I saw my monster one more time after that at a conference. I froze in fear. I was always waiting for that moment to happen again. Waiting for his return to complete what he had started. Evil separates you from God whether it is your evil or someone who gives you theirs. It creeps into your heart. A monster lurking and waiting. When you talk to God the monster intercepts the message. But God's will is stronger! He has a plan for me and unlike my monster God's plan will be fulfilled!

God had given me scripture over the previous months to prepare me for what is to come. Through Him I am finding a strength I haven't had in fifteen years. He has opened my heart so I could free my monster. My moment has come. He has decided I am ready.

We would be moving from Illinois in a week. I have said goodbye to Christy and Tyla. We were at church for the last Sunday before our move. Jason was at work that day so it was just me and the boys. They were all still little, between the ages eight and two. Class had just ended and I was gathering the boys from their class so we could go to the worship service. I had met Alex and Nicholas in the hall and was on my way to get the younger two. I looked up and as the crowd of people parted I could see my monsters face. Then he was gone. My heart stopped. I couldn't breathe. My eyes searched the crowd for his face. Oh Lord, my kids! I have to get my kids! I gather them up and meet the youth minister in the hall. I asked him who was in his class that morning. My monsters name was said out loud. My heart ached at the sound. They explained that he was there working with a church camp in the area so they let him teach class. I took the boys and sat down for worship. I again searched the faces to find him. I finally found him sitting with a dear friend of mine and her family. How could he creep into my life like that. He is at MY church with MY friends! He has won the hearts of the ones I love. How will they believe my now? After church I went to an elder and asked him if he knew the man that taught the teens that morning. He was surprised at how easily this stranger had gained so much trust that he would be allowed to teach a class. He was even more surprised to hear my story. Again nothing would happen to my monster. There would be no one to come and rescue me. I got ready to leave and was walking the boys to the car when I saw my friend's parents driving away with my monster in the front seat of their car. I called my friend over and asked if she knew him. She called him by name and said he is here visiting and they were taking him to lunch. I left in disbelief of what was happening. I called my best friend who had been on the mission with him for two years. I cried out asking what I was supposed to do. She told me my heart will lead me and that she would hang up and pray. A conversation that lasted less than a minute but changed everything. With that I turned the car around and headed for the restaurant where my monster was at lunch. I pulled myself together with a strength that only God could provide. A hostess met me at the door asking if we needed a table for five. I told her I could see my party. I walked bravely to the table where my monster sat. My kids followed like little ducklings. I stood in front of my monster with my children at my side and my friends who sat with him. My friends were all smiles to see me and asked if we would be joining them for lunch. I said my monsters name out loud and said I was there to see him. He stood to shake my hand. I reached for his and took hold. It was familiar, bringing back memories of the times we had taken hands to pray or sing praises. I looked into his eyes remembering the evil words he put into my heart. I was released from his grip. He sat down. Now it's my turn. "You remember me. I'm okay and I want you to see my boys. I survived and I'm here to tell you that I forgive you." With that said, my monster left my heart. I was filled with instant comfort, peace and joy. Then I left. I cried with joy all the way home. My kids asked who that was and I simply told them, "he is nobody to me." He was just a man that gave me evil but I let it go. I no longer live in fear of my monster. I have seen him face to face and have been healed, my heart no longer shattered. I have been given freedom, I am no longer my monsters prisoner. I now live in the light. I'm FREE! Praise God for preparing me for his good will!

Isaiah 61:1 He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners,